Today’s blog post is post from Sarah Woods, a new addition to the Women’s Life family.  If you are looking for another book to add to your New Year Resolution Reading List, check out her review of Linda Dillow’s What’s it like to be Married to Me?

We are usually well aware of our spouse’s flaws and weaknesses.  Most of us could easily name something our husband does that we find annoying.  Maybe we have even attempted to change his behavior by reasoning or pleading with him, to no avail.

When we become so focused on changing him, we can forget that we have flaws and sinful habits as well. 

As seminary wives, we may be quick to affirm the doctrine of sin and the fact that we are sinners, but how often do we take the time to consider the specific ways in which we sin?  Have you ever looked at things from your spouse’s point of view and asked

 “What is it like to be married to me?”

In Linda Dillow’s book What’s it like to me Married to Me? she challenges us to ponder this and other “dangerous” questions.  We are asked to question

* What’s it like to make love with me?

* What is it like to go through times of suffering with me?

* And why does it seem so much easier to hold on to anger than to forgive?

The best part about this book is that it’s written in an honest and extremely practical manner.  After reading many theologically heavy books about marriage, this was a refreshing change of pace that still packed a Biblical punch.  The liberal use of anecdotes makes it an interesting and quick read.  I also really appreciated her distinction between a goal and a desire. 

A GOAL is something we want to change that we also have the power to change.

A DESIRE is something we want but can’t control. 

This distinction helps us focus our effort on changing things we can control (such as our own behavior), rather than trying to “fix” something we can’t control, such as our husband’s behavior.

Four words of caution:

1) The book does contain some detailed discussion of sexual matters, so I would not recommend this for women who are not yet married. 

2) When discussing the importance of love and respect from Ephesians 5, she uses the language of “love gap” which is similar to Gary Chapman’s concept of a love “tank.” Love and respect are very important, but they are not tanks or gaps which must be filled.  (Though Mrs. Dillow did recover from this later by emphasizing that we should respect our husbands because God’s Word commands it, regardless of whether or not they are filling our “love gaps” in return.)

3) The chapter on forgiveness may be misleading.  Dillow presents forgiveness mainly as a one-time decision, neglecting that forgiveness may also be a process.  Many deep hurts require entering a battle, continuously re-surrendering the hurt to God, and renewing our minds with Scripture.  A person who tries to forgive with a simple one-time decision may become frustrated if their anger and bitterness return later.  That’s why it’s important to understand forgiveness as both an event and a process.

4) Several anecdotes may over-emphasize the responsibility of the wife in the marital problems.  While keeping in mind that the point of the book is to consider the log in our own eye before worrying about the speck in our husband’s eyes, sometimes our husbands have their own sin issues that God must convict them of.  For example, one of the stories told of a husband who had become enslaved to pornography.  The wife felt that God’s answer to this problem was to become more sexually available to him.  From this anecdote, one might mistakenly conclude that it was the wife’s fault that her husband had fallen into sin and that she could fix his problem by changing her actions.  On the contrary, her husband was responsible for his sinful choices and the problem could only be fixed by God’s intervention and the husband’s repentance.  (This concern only applied in very few instances.)

However, even after noting these considerations and cautions, I wholeheartedly recommend the book.

What’s it like to be Married to Me? is a great resource, especially if you are experiencing marital conflict, a stubborn grudge, intimacy issues, or emotional distance. 

It would also be helpful if you want to take an already-good marriage to the next level. 

I consider my marriage to be healthy and happy, but I was still convicted about some things I could change. 

I definitely recommend this book

 if you are woman enough to handle it.  

If you are really brave, you could walk through the book with some friends as a 10-12 week bible study.

{What's it like to be Married to Me? is available in the Women's Life Office library, if you would like to come by to check it out!}

Lessons from the Field is a series from one of our own who is serving overseas.  Please join us as we learn about what God has taught and continues to teach her as she and her family serve. To view the earlier post from Amy Lynn* click here. 

8.  A Second Honeymoon – Life with your spouse overseas
When I think honeymoon, images of a tropical island with crystal blue waters lapping at my toes, while I lay leisurely on the beach with my honey, come to mind.  Never would I imagine crowded, smelly streets with unfamiliar sounds, constantly dirty blackened feet, power outages, misunderstandings in culture, and amoebic illness.  Moving overseas can be very much like the second example.  Sure, we were glad, overjoyed even to arrive on the field, but there are lessons to be learned in your marriage as God pushes you to new exciting levels of intimacy.  The first time you husband wipes your forehead lovingly with a washcloth while you throw up and then quickly turns and runs to find another bathroom to relieve his own sickness, you realize that you are moving into new territory.

                        I am so glad that my husband and I had worked out a lot of our baggage and communication “problems” before heading overseas, because we were immediately pushed to plumb the depths of new stressors.  All those old issues that had been worked out for years came tumbling back in like the cracked and parched tumble weeds rolling their way through a desert storm.  We had to learn how to look at these problems that seemed to crop up, differently and through new eyes.  For example, I remember a time early upon arriving to the Middle East, fuming mad at my husband because without much language we were unable to communicate clearly where we wanted to go to the taxi driver.  Now, miles from our intended location, burning hot and pouring sweat underneath my balto and hijab, seeing those dirty feet that never seem to get clean, I was thinking, “What have I got myself into with this man?!?”  Once I calmed down, washed the dirt off and thought about it, it made sense that just like in our personal walk with God, he was taking me to newer and deeper levels of intimacy with this wonderful man. 

                        Resolving to stay married no matter what really changed my perspective in how I looked at my marriage.  Stress and attack brought out the worst in every crack we had.  The stories are unending it seems of marriages lost to divorce, couples called by God and yet disqualified.  Cross cultural living sometimes brings out the worst in me but it is no excuse to not love my husband unconditionally, pray for him, trust him and even adjust my standards for what I think romance is. 

                        It is very difficult to date your spouse when you lack baby sitters, money or even creative places and things to do.  What I am learning now is that maybe my idea of romance has been set by the worlds standard.  A friend of mine shared on her blog, “The problem is that the world tells us that being pursued equals a guy spending all day thinking up how he can take you on the most romantic date ever, blow stupid amounts of money… that’s what we fill our minds with, so on some level, we expect a perfectly planned date every time, and we expect it often…[but] pursuit and romance go far beyond what the world says… we need to honor and serve God individually and, as God leads, together.  [My husband] pursues me by listening to me, gently guiding me toward a deeper and more glorifying relationship with the Father, guarding my heart, being self-controlled in his words and actions, and simply loving me well.”  When I begin to lay down those unreal expectations, our love and intimacy grows simply because we are loving each other as God intended. 

                        There are creative solutions to keeping the lines of communication open and your dating life active with your spouse even in a third world country!  The place that we live can be very stressful, in fact there seems to always be a rolling tide of events, but my husband and I have tried to keep focused on the main things by regularly dating and spending time “debriefing” even the smallest things.  We try to take a lunch date together when we can, or maybe an evening at a restaurant.  We have regularly planned weekend getaways to recuperate, talk and unwind together.  Sometimes it has been easy and some seasons are very difficult to get time alone, but we make this a priority and try to schedule them even if they have to come months in advance.  These things are vital to the intimacy of our marriage and if we start to see a pattern of waning, we know it is time for a check-up.  

                        Life overseas can be quite tumultuous in the learning phase of the first term, but keeping your marriage together is a high priority.  Unless your marriage is built on the rock of Christ, the house will surely shake and fall.  Next week, I will finish out the lessons I have learned with A Surer Foundation and A Living Hope.  

 Amy Lynn* has been married to her husband for 15 years.  He graduated last May from SEBTS with an MDIV in International Church Planting.  They are currently serving in the Middle East.  They have 4 children, ages 13, 11, 5 and 2.  Amy Lynn enjoys reading, writing and working out when she is not studying Arabic or visiting friends. 

*Name has been changed to ensure protection for our contributor. 

Reblogged from The Resurgence 

Jen Smidt

I recently came across a 20-year-old photo of Phil and me when we were dating. I started thinking about how very little I knew about relationships, men, and marriage then.

Formulating a list of what I would tell myself back then, my advice began with a stern warning to stay away from any man with a mullet . . . but then again, it was the ’90s—every man had a mullet!
On a more serious note, these are eight principles that would have taken much confusion and heartbreak out of those tumultuous dating years. I hope they help you:

1. Repeat after me: “You are loved.” 

 

I am not kidding. Repeat. After. Me. Out loud, often, with conviction. These are such simple words to say, but they have the most deep and resounding impact on our souls if we would just believe.
God says to his daughters in Jeremiah: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you." Until you have tasted God’s eternal, steadfast, redeeming love, hold off on looking for a man. You may just end up settling for a quick love that cannot fill your core heart’s longing. Even if you are not currently being pursued by a man, you are constantly being pursued by Jesus.

2. You are less beautiful than you think and more beautiful than you believe.

 

Our sin makes us ugly. No amount of makeup, clothing, or confident, flirtatious façade can change that fact. It takes a humble, redeemed woman changed by God to admit the ugliness of her sin and rest in her beauty in Christ. We must repent of our pride, our shame, our obsession with our looks. We must believe and embrace who God made us to be: beautiful in his image.

True beauty emanates from a woman who boldly and unabashedly knows who she is in Christ.

3. Consider what controls you.

 

Is it fear, loneliness, demand for a man, seeking approval, career, money?
Let the love of Christ control you. Pay attention to what is controlling your heart as you wait for a date, are in a dating relationship, or even into marriage. We settle for lesser gods than the one who died for us and love us unconditionally.

“For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who might live no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” 2 Corinthians 5:14–15

4. Address your daddy issues.

 

Most of us have them—wounds on our hearts from our earthly fathers and their shortcomings. Whether yours was absent and uninvolved or abusive and abandoning, don’t let him define who you believe your heavenly Father to be. Even if you have a godly and protective father, he is not God.
You are not looking for a dad-duplicate or a dad-replacement in a man. You have a perfect heavenly Father.

Let Scripture reveal to you who God is as Dad and what kind of care he gives his daughters.

"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:13

5. Charm and beauty are not a good dating plan.

 

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

Often, our grand scheme for how to snag a date goes only skin-deep. We put massive pressure on ourselves to pour on the charm and look cute wherever we go, not realizing that a godly man will also be concerned about inner beauty. God certainly is.

"But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." 1 Peter 3:4

A woman who fears the Lord is one who, despite her desire for a date, fears being far away from God more than she does missing out on a man who is easily fooled by her exterior.

6. Realize you are already submitting—or are you?

 

Submission is not only for wives. God asks for a submitted heart now, one that trusts in his provision and plan for your life, including dating. Ultimately, dating, and all of life, is about submission—waiting and trusting God and saying as Jesus does, “Not my will but yours be done.”
This does not, however, leave you helpless, hopeless, and hamstrung in the relationship department. A godly woman can express friendly interest in a brother in Christ.

• It is OK to mingle—but don’t manipulate.
• Peruse—but don’t pursue. Let him initiate.
• Take notice of the godly men serving Jesus around you—but never stalk. It’s creepy.
• Cross paths with a man who interests you—but don’t tackle him.

 

7. Dress to kill . . .

 

. . . your evil desires and his. We all know what it’s like to be noticed for what we wear. Your desire to draw attention to yourself is vanity. Do not falsely advertise what is not available to anyone but your future husband. Don’t open the door for men to make assumptions about you by what you wear. Help your brothers in Christ by dressing modestly and appropriately (and by all means, neatly, cleanly, and fashionably!) Check your heart for your motives when you dress.

8. Guard your heart.

 

Guarding one’s heart is still an issue even if no one is overtly vying for it.  Watch out for the “might be” snare, as in, "He 'might be' flirting with me and so I’m going to get carried away thinking about every possible place [read: marriage] that could lead."
It is entirely possible to honor God, yourself, and a brother in Christ on a date. Don’t elevate him or the relationship to the place that God alone should hold in your heart. Enjoy, don’t idolize . . . and for goodness sake, relax! A cup of coffee does not necessarily mean a diamond ring is soon to follow.

As a single woman, give your heart fully, wholly, unabashedly, and devotedly to Christ alone.

Be active, vigilant, and careful about how much of your heart you give to a man. Be able to walk away from a dating relationship with your whole heart intact so that your future husband is not robbed of part of it down the road. Prayerfully consider what, when, how much to give away.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

 Jen Smidt is the wife of Pastor Phil Smidt and is a deacon at Mars Hill Church involved in teaching and counseling couples and women.  They have been members at Mars Hill since its inception and have 3 children.

 Reblogged from Our Single Purpose
 May 14, 2012

I have a confession..my hopes is that by confessing this, some of you will confess this along with me and help me feel a little less embarrassed. Ok-here is my confession. Almost every time I used to see a guy, I immediately would judge him in every way possible to determine within the first 3 min whether or not he is my potential husband.
Maybe it is just my strong desire to be married, or maybe it’s my critical judgmental ways, but I can be anywhere and subconsciously be looking for my husband. I can be in church and meet a guy for the first time, or be in a doctors office and make eye contact with the guy in the waiting room, or even be in my car and look at the guy stopped beside me at the red light and immediately decide if he is the one for me! It’s amazing how fast my brain works as soon as I see that there isn’t a ring on his finger! Of course I determine how good he looks-is he attractive? Then I notice how he dresses-does he take care of himself? Then I notice his smile-does he have a good personality? All of these things can drive a girl crazy-especially if you are trying to meet and talk to a guy for the first time! All within the first few min, I can write a guy off just by these stupid subconscious judgmental thoughts because he doesn’t meet my “standards” of my future husband. Looking back, I think I have been this way for a long time! Am I alone in this?

The Lord has totally made me aware of this very stupid thing over the past couple of years. He has even helped me see how I have ruined some great possible guy friendships in the past, all because of this problem I seem to have. One of the biggest lessons I have learned, and boy do I wish I had learned it a lot sooner, is to look at the guys in my lives as BROTHERS IN CHRIST.

Scripture says in Hebrews 10:24-25,

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. “

My question is this: why should this Scripture only apply to our sisters in Christ? We have a responsibility to encourage and love our brothers, just as much as we do our sisters! Now I realize this should be done with caution, as to avoid unnecessary common sense problems, but with a bit of sense, this should not be hard for us. Maybe it’s just me, but, getting this concept has not been easy. I have to remind myself all the time, to get over this subconscious obsession of finding a husband, and remember that these guys are first and foremost my brothers in Christ. Let me testify that this has literally changed my relationships with guys!

I want to challenge you to examine your own life. How do you internally respond when meeting a guy for the first time? Do you instantly judge him as a “potential” or do you see him as a brother. Do you automatically write guys out of your life if they don’t meet your criteria or standards for a husband? How can we as sisters in Christ better encourage and love our single brothers in Christ?

Marlana is a 20 something living in the sunny state of Florida. She loves driving down country roads, going to the beach, and loving on her nieces and nephew. She is currently working on her M.Div. in Women’s Studies at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. She loves Jesus and desires to teach and disciple teenage girls and women in the Word of God. Marlana is the visionary for this blog and prays that this will be an encouragement to all.

2 Corinthians 3:2-3 NIV- You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

Philippians 1:27 NIV- Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel.

I want to share with you guys something that God taught me this morning.  As some of you might know, I am a soon to be minister’s wife.  I have been praying about my future marriage and I have prayed that God would make me into the wife that He would have me be.

This morning God showed me that since I will be a minister’s wife, it is important for me to live out the Godly messages that my future husband is preaching.  God has called him to teach and to be a vessel for Him to speak through.  How I conduct myself reflects on my fiancé, his ministry, and his credibility.  If a group of people in our church hear him preach one thing, and see me (his wife) doing the complete opposite, people will take notice and disregard his teaching.

Now this post is not just for minister’s wives.  It is for all of you readers who call yourselves Christians.
Just as I represent my future husband, as a Christian, you represent God.  How you act sends a message to the people around you.  This message can be positive or negative.  Christians are often seen by unbelievers as hypocrites because we don’t conduct ourselves in the way that the Bible teaches.  

There is no such thing as a part time Christian!  We can’t only be Christians on Sundays or Christians in name only.  “Christian” is not a title, it is a lifestyle!  People learn about God through the Bible and through believers.  Are you validating or contradicting the Bible in the way that you live your life? 

My friend, I know this post might be a bit harsh, but it is true.  God longs for us to live for Him and to model with our words and our actions His word and His love for all mankind.  As pastor John Phillis states: Christianity written on the heart is Christianity in the most legible, the most positive, the most convincing and the most enduring form.

If you feel as if the way you have been living your everyday life doesn’t match up to how God instructs you to live, you can change.  That’s the great thing about God.  As I mentioned in my previous post, you can start afresh today and begin being the shining example of God that he so desperately longs for you to be.

 Grace McDaniel is a MA student at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary and a native North Carolinian.  She is currently engaged to Dillon who is in the MDiv program at Southeastern.  Together they plan to follow God's call into ministry.  Dillon is currently the children's pastor at a local church and Grace plans to go into women's ministry.  You can check out more of Grace's devotions at: http://godsgurleternally.blogspot.com/ 

I fell in love with the evangelist in the pea green suit.

About 35 years ago I met a young man at a church baseball game who had recently accepted Christ. My girlfriends beside me whispered (don't you think Ken is kind of cute?).  My response was something like, "Yeah, he's OK," trying to pretend I had not noticed.  Later my father (also my pastor) invited this young man to preach a youth revival at our church. When he walked in the first night in a vested pea green suit, my first thought was that he wasn't going to go too far unless someone helped him in the clothing department! Thus began my wardrobe ministry to the man I would marry a few years later.

Ken and I attended the same college and he often gave me a ride home during breaks. It was an eight hour drive from Chattanooga, TN to Poplar Bluff, MO. On those long drives we talked about everything from politics to music to theology. I had struggled for some time with assurance of salvation. It was because of our discussions and Ken's patience and scriptural knowledge that I finally came to realize that I could not earn (or keep) my salvation by my own efforts; I came to understand that my salvation did not depend on my own ability or goodness -- but instead on the infinite ability and goodness of God.  

Since that time I have spent countless hours listening to my husband teach and preach. I have heard some of his sermon series multiple times and, strange as it may sound, I still laugh and cry at the same stories; still find myself encouraged or convicted at the conclusion. The primary reason for this, of course, is the Word of God itself - which he exposits verse by verse, book by book. Doing so, he says, will ensure that he preaches "the whole counsel of God" not simply his favorite texts or subjects. Secondly, Ken preaches today with the same passion and zeal he had as a 20 yr old, only with the increased knowledge and wisdom that comes with growing in grace and walking with God through the journey of life.

God took a rough hewn hillbilly from the Missouri Ozarks, and because he was willing and obedient, gently whittled away on the rough edges of his character and abilities, making a multi-functional took to serve His church and the Kingdom. The Lord brought him from the saw mill to the academy in order to use him in a larger way than would have been possible otherwise. My husband has never been satisfied with the status quo. He has always sought to run the race with excellence, pressing "toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

I am honored and blessed that God united us in marriage and ministry 31 years ago. My prayer is that we will be vessels fit and useful for His service as long as he gives us breath.

I married Ken Keathley on May 31, 1980 and have two grown children. Ken and I are both from southeast Missouri.  I am a PK (preacher’s kid) and a PW (preacher/professor wife).  We came to SEBTS in 1994 for Ken to get his M.Div. and Ph.D.; sold our house and possessions and came here when our kids were 6 and 8. In December 2010 I left work to give more time to duties at home as grandmother and as wife of the Sr VP of Academics at SEBTS.  I believe God has gifted me in the areas of administration, hospitality and helps - and I get great satisfaction from using those gifts at home, at church and at SEBTS. I am a country girl at heart and enjoy working in my yard, gardening – both vegetable and flower, a walk in the woods, a swim in the creek, and a cup of tea or coffee on the front porch with good conversation.  Throw in some piano or guitar playing and hymn singing and I’m in heaven (well, almost)! I enjoy cooking for family and friends and am always trying new recipes (I have a unquenchable sweet tooth); shopping at flea markets and consignment stores; reading and watching movies – old and new; and traveling with my husband.