Lessons from the Field Part 8

Lessons from the Field is a series from one of our own who is serving overseas.  Please join us as we learn about what God has taught and continues to teach her as she and her family serve. To view the earlier post from Amy Lynn* click here. 

8.  A Second Honeymoon – Life with your spouse overseas
When I think honeymoon, images of a tropical island with crystal blue waters lapping at my toes, while I lay leisurely on the beach with my honey, come to mind.  Never would I imagine crowded, smelly streets with unfamiliar sounds, constantly dirty blackened feet, power outages, misunderstandings in culture, and amoebic illness.  Moving overseas can be very much like the second example.  Sure, we were glad, overjoyed even to arrive on the field, but there are lessons to be learned in your marriage as God pushes you to new exciting levels of intimacy.  The first time you husband wipes your forehead lovingly with a washcloth while you throw up and then quickly turns and runs to find another bathroom to relieve his own sickness, you realize that you are moving into new territory.

                        I am so glad that my husband and I had worked out a lot of our baggage and communication “problems” before heading overseas, because we were immediately pushed to plumb the depths of new stressors.  All those old issues that had been worked out for years came tumbling back in like the cracked and parched tumble weeds rolling their way through a desert storm.  We had to learn how to look at these problems that seemed to crop up, differently and through new eyes.  For example, I remember a time early upon arriving to the Middle East, fuming mad at my husband because without much language we were unable to communicate clearly where we wanted to go to the taxi driver.  Now, miles from our intended location, burning hot and pouring sweat underneath my balto and hijab, seeing those dirty feet that never seem to get clean, I was thinking, “What have I got myself into with this man?!?”  Once I calmed down, washed the dirt off and thought about it, it made sense that just like in our personal walk with God, he was taking me to newer and deeper levels of intimacy with this wonderful man. 

                        Resolving to stay married no matter what really changed my perspective in how I looked at my marriage.  Stress and attack brought out the worst in every crack we had.  The stories are unending it seems of marriages lost to divorce, couples called by God and yet disqualified.  Cross cultural living sometimes brings out the worst in me but it is no excuse to not love my husband unconditionally, pray for him, trust him and even adjust my standards for what I think romance is. 

                        It is very difficult to date your spouse when you lack baby sitters, money or even creative places and things to do.  What I am learning now is that maybe my idea of romance has been set by the worlds standard.  A friend of mine shared on her blog, “The problem is that the world tells us that being pursued equals a guy spending all day thinking up how he can take you on the most romantic date ever, blow stupid amounts of money… that’s what we fill our minds with, so on some level, we expect a perfectly planned date every time, and we expect it often…[but] pursuit and romance go far beyond what the world says… we need to honor and serve God individually and, as God leads, together.  [My husband] pursues me by listening to me, gently guiding me toward a deeper and more glorifying relationship with the Father, guarding my heart, being self-controlled in his words and actions, and simply loving me well.”  When I begin to lay down those unreal expectations, our love and intimacy grows simply because we are loving each other as God intended. 

                        There are creative solutions to keeping the lines of communication open and your dating life active with your spouse even in a third world country!  The place that we live can be very stressful, in fact there seems to always be a rolling tide of events, but my husband and I have tried to keep focused on the main things by regularly dating and spending time “debriefing” even the smallest things.  We try to take a lunch date together when we can, or maybe an evening at a restaurant.  We have regularly planned weekend getaways to recuperate, talk and unwind together.  Sometimes it has been easy and some seasons are very difficult to get time alone, but we make this a priority and try to schedule them even if they have to come months in advance.  These things are vital to the intimacy of our marriage and if we start to see a pattern of waning, we know it is time for a check-up.  

                        Life overseas can be quite tumultuous in the learning phase of the first term, but keeping your marriage together is a high priority.  Unless your marriage is built on the rock of Christ, the house will surely shake and fall.  Next week, I will finish out the lessons I have learned with A Surer Foundation and A Living Hope.  

 Amy Lynn* has been married to her husband for 15 years.  He graduated last May from SEBTS with an MDIV in International Church Planting.  They are currently serving in the Middle East.  They have 4 children, ages 13, 11, 5 and 2.  Amy Lynn enjoys reading, writing and working out when she is not studying Arabic or visiting friends. 

*Name has been changed to ensure protection for our contributor.