How to Not Die of Loneliness During the Holidays When You Can’t Go Home

Sometimes the hardest part of the holidays is the fact that you live eight hours away from family and can’t afford to go home.

I didn’t quite know how much I’d struggle my first year away from Florida. Sure, I had lived away from home during college, a whole one hour and forty-five minutes away, but moving to Wake Forest was my first time living in a different state than my family and childhood friends for an extended amount of time. Through my time here, God has shown me more than I ever expected (or, at times, wanted!). Here’s a few ways I’ve learned to enjoy different kinds of holiday seasons through my fair share of moping, crying, and making do. Maybe you’ll start to see the fun and adventure constrained circumstances can actually afford during the holidays!

1. Build a Community Where You Are

Make new friends. When my parents and I first unloaded a U-Haul of furniture, clothes, books, and whatever else I deemed necessary to life here in Wake Forest, I knew absolutely no one.
No contacts. No friends. Nada. So I know how awkward and exhausting it can be to make new friends in a place where you have zero history.
 I felt like I couldn’t be frustrated or have a bad day. New people wouldn’t know that I wasn’t being normal Lindsey, but grouchy Lindsey, or really, really, tired Lindsey, or hangry (so hungry you angry!) Lindsey. What if people thought that’s how I acted all the time?

The crazy thing that I had to learn is that if you want a history with someone, be it a friend or mentor or church, you have to build it. And building a history takes time and effort, so don’t give up or expect too much too soon. Pray that God would provide a solid, biblical church where you fit in—you’ll need people from all walks of life beside you—and other women to walk alongside. Then go out and make friends. Go to your church’s events. Talk to people. Invite them to coffee or over for a movie. And most importantly, learn to listen. Ask others about themselves and be genuinely interested in what they have to say.

If you want to be here, really be here, then you have to build a community. Otherwise, all you’ll do is think about home, call friends every chance you get, and be so lonely here you won’t want to stay.

P.S.—Trust me, it gets easier. You’ll make friends, good friends you wouldn’t trade for anything. You’ll grow (more than you thought possible), and you’ll see God provide for you in ways you didn’t know you’d need.

Invite others in. Once you have your people, your new friends, always continue inviting others in.

I know, you might get jealous or worry maybe your friend will like them and ditch  you—you get all, you know, defense-mode. I’ve had other girls act that way towards me when I was apparently getting too close to their friend, and I’ve acted that way before, too. But don’t be like that. Not only does it make you look both immature and insecure, it also doesn’t reflect the biblical picture of community we see in scripture.

Be hospitable—genuinely welcome others into your life.

(And, no, this does not mean you have to be BFFs with every person out there. But you do need to be friendly and show them the same love that has been shown to you.)

2. Start Your Own Traditions

Decorate! Maybe this is obvious, but if you’re not going home for a holiday or only get to go home for a few days, decorate your apartment! Hit the Goodwill or local thrift shops around town and find a few decorations to help your apartment feel festive. Make your little home warm and inviting, even if only for yourself and roommates. Y’all know Pinterest has all sorts of fun, inexpensive ideas to decorate: don’t just pin ‘em, make ‘em! And if you have extras you don’t want or won’t use, pass them on to others.

Celebrate! You’re in a new place with new people—how exciting! Start your own new traditions! This could either mean incorporating your family’s traditions, like a favorite movie while cooking together or decorating with your new friends (while also letting them introduce you to their special family traditions), or it could mean starting something completely new altogether. Google local events going on in the area, and then go explore! Find a swanky little coffee shop you’ve never been to and enjoy a cup of Pumpkin Latte or Peppermint Mocha together. Have a picnic of cocoa and treats in the park. The possibilities here are just about as endless as your own creativity. Get out and do something!

3. Keep Perspective 

As amazing and unbelievable as this might seem, whatever your life looks like this holiday season, well, it probably won’t look the same come this time next year.  Maybe you or a friend will move to another city or a different apartment. Maybe you’ll get married or have a baby. Or maybe you (or your husband) will graduate and find ministry work elsewhere. You never know what this upcoming year might hold. So don’t take what you have here, right now, for granted. As Trace Adkins once sang, “You’re gonna miss this”: the ridiculously small apartment, the even smaller budget, and the community of other seminarians (just as poor and cramped as you!) just trying to be faithful and prepare well while living their lives together one ordinary day at a time. You only get so many Easters, Thanksgivings and Christmases here—don’t waste a single one! Your God is sovereign and aware of where you are. Be where He has you, even if it’s not where He’s going to keep you.

Lindsey Pope is a 2011 graduate of the University of Florida (Go Gators!) and is currently pursuing her M.Div in Christian Ministry. At the age of sixteen, she was called into Christian ministry; that same year she met two women, one in her twenties and the other in her forties, both pursuing their M.Divs. It was then that she first started dreaming of seminary.

“You are the light of the world.  A city on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.  Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”  Matthew 5:14-16 (NIV)

At first glance, it is easy to see that I am a black woman.  When I speak, it does not take long to assess that I am American (although I have been in the South so long that my Midwest “lack of an accent” is no longer as obvious).   Upon further view of my life, through conversation, actions, purpose, and peace, it is quite clear that I am a follower of Jesus Christ.

Here at Southeastern, I stand out a little bit, and I’m learning to be okay with that reality.  I am a single black woman who is almost forty on a campus where the majority of my classmates are married white males in their early to mid-twenties. This means that every day I get an opportunity to create black history and change other people’s conscious or subconscious perceptions.

I seek to celebrate my blackness, my culture, my history, and my heritage while embracing the good, learning from the struggle, challenging the ugly, and acknowledging the strides.  I pray that celebration becomes a classroom for others.   

In today’s post, I want to propose a challenge.  This is the same challenge I presented to my predominately black students each of my fifteen years of teaching. It is a necessary challenge, especially for those who wonder why Carter G. Woodson chose to create Negro History Week in 1926, which later became Black History Month in 1976. 

Each year when I issued this challenge as a teacher, the responses I read reminded me that there is a great need for recognizing the accomplishments of blacks and of other people of color. 

I understand why many state that it is unfair not to also have a White History Month.  I agree.  In an equal and colorblind world, that would be perfect. But my current response is that most public school curriculums do not teach the important contributions of people of color. 

Therefore, it is essential to accent the positives (and there are thousands of them), especially when the behavior of a reckless few have so dramatically influenced our perception about the majority.

You’re probably wondering, “What is this challenge?”  It’s simple:

List as many famous African Americans/ Black Americans as you can who have made noteworthy contributions to the world. 

But there’s a catch . . .  You cannot name musicians or athletes, unless you can specifically name how they have positively impacted the lives of others.  Once you get past Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Rosa Parks, the difficulty begins.  Oh, I forgot to mention that there is a 5 minute time limit and no resources may be used.

Are you ready? Set a timer and see how you do. I’ll wait.

When you have finished, please keep in mind that intentional evangelism includes crossing all barriers, even cultural ones.  How did you do? 

We are ultimately all part of the human race, but just like when we go on an overseas mission trip, we must learn to interact with the culture of those around us to relate, converse, and at least cross the boundaries. 

Be honest with yourself.  Act on what you learned from this challenge, and take the time to get to know those around you.  Thank you for participating.

We have been talking a lot about reading in our posts this new year. Today's guest post from Hilary Ratchford reminds us that we can engage even better with those we minister to if we engage culture with a discerning eye. 

SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU PLAN TO READ ALL THREE OF THE HUNGER GAMES BOOKS OR SEE ALL FOUR MOVIES, THIS POST DOES CONTAIN SOME SPOILERS FROM THE END OF THE LAST BOOK!

Read Recently? Hunger Games

After seeing the second movie in the Hunger Games trilogy, “Catching Fire,” in early December, a girlfriend of mine finally convinced me to read the series. I admit, I was hesitant because:

1) I was skeptical about the plotline – kids killing kids?!

2) I was hoping for a break from reading – after all, I had just finished the fall semester!

3) I was honestly a little concerned about what people would think of me… Wasn’t this book labeled “Juvenile” Fiction (a.k.a. for teens)? Would I just be trying to jump in on the latest fad {a little late}??

But I have to tell you… I really enjoyed reading the series. So much so, that I read them quickly.
Like the whole series in less than a week!  [I think I was still functioning in the efficiency of “school mode”].

Not only was it a much needed dose of fiction and imagination, I finally understood why it appealed to so many people. Women, particularly.

At the heart of ministry is people. And for me, specifically, my ministry is women. I desired to know why  old roommates, missionary friends, college girls that I’ve had the privilege to journey alongside, and even my older sister were so enthralled with the series.

So, to enjoy a little respite from non-fiction and for the sake of just no-longer-being-naive-to-what-is-infiltrating-our-women-though-culture, I dove in.

I realized that…

* Everyone loves a good heroine.

* Women want to feel valued.

* And every heroine {or just regular gal} wants to be pursued and protected.  Right?

Yet {one theme} stood out in particular – both to me, and to the ladies with whom I discussed the series.

After reading the books, we could not help but be touched by the {steadfastness} of Peeta, the protagonist’s (Katniss) tribute partner - turned friend - turned love interest - turned spouse.

Peeta’s {loyalty} to Katniss, his willingness to sacrifice himself for her, to protect her, to continue loving her even when her affections are directed elsewhere… all of this makes us want to root for Peeta, right?

Even those that do not know the Faithful One are naturally inclined to pull for the one who is constant in character.

Don’t you see? That desire was written on our heart-strings long before the Games ever began...

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“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” Hebrews 13:8 [ESV]
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“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” James 1:17 [ESV]

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“But the Lord is faithful… May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ.” 1 Thessalonians 3:3,5 [ESV]

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We yearn for {faithfulness} and {constancy} because we, indeed, are inconstant.

How often have you given up on a commitment? Betrayed a friend’s trust? Sought your own good before that of someone else?

So my recommendation? The next time you pick up a ((fiction)) novel, read it with a discerning eye. 

Enjoy the creativity that God has gifted the author with, but at the same time, recognize the Author of creativity. It all points back to Him.

* If your emotions resonate with a character or if you’re “pulling” for a certain outcome, why?

* Is it because a character trait leads you to a deeper awe & appreciation for the Person of Christ?

* Is it because evil is defeated, victory is won, and good is restored?

* Is it because there is reconciliation in the narrative?

Ponder these questions, and others that you come up with, and then point the story line back to the Gospel.  After all, each story shadows the greatest Story ever told:

A {faithful} God pursued mankind by sending His {selfless} Son, Jesus Christ, to sacrifice His life to bring reconciliation, to conquer evil, and to restore a perfect kingdom. And the Story doesn’t end there…

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As Job said in Job 19:25-27 –

“I know that My Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will
stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see Him with my own eyes – I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!”

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Don’t be afraid, like I initially was, to read something that is outside of the traditional Christian recommended reading. 

Please hear me, I’m not telling you to be conformed to the pattern of this world – we must be transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2). Yet, know the people at the heart of your ministry. They are in the world, and we must reach them with the Gospel . . .  With the Story that has been written on the tablets of human hearts.

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As Christ prayed for His disciples in John 17:15-18 –

“My prayer is not that You take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by Your Truth, Your Word is Truth. As You sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world…”

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Connect their natural inclination to root for the {faithful, devoted, constant} Peeta in the Hunger Games trilogy to their desire to be pursued & intimately known by the Faithful, Devoted, Constant One. 

Because His Story never ends.