How to Not Die of Loneliness During the Holidays When You Can’t Go Home

Sometimes the hardest part of the holidays is the fact that you live eight hours away from family and can’t afford to go home.

I didn’t quite know how much I’d struggle my first year away from Florida. Sure, I had lived away from home during college, a whole one hour and forty-five minutes away, but moving to Wake Forest was my first time living in a different state than my family and childhood friends for an extended amount of time. Through my time here, God has shown me more than I ever expected (or, at times, wanted!). Here’s a few ways I’ve learned to enjoy different kinds of holiday seasons through my fair share of moping, crying, and making do. Maybe you’ll start to see the fun and adventure constrained circumstances can actually afford during the holidays!

1. Build a Community Where You Are

Make new friends. When my parents and I first unloaded a U-Haul of furniture, clothes, books, and whatever else I deemed necessary to life here in Wake Forest, I knew absolutely no one.

No contacts. No friends. Nada. So I know how awkward and exhausting it can be to make new friends in a place where you have zero history.
 I felt like I couldn’t be frustrated or have a bad day. New people wouldn’t know that I wasn’t being normal Lindsey, but grouchy Lindsey, or really, really, tired Lindsey, or hangry (so hungry you angry!) Lindsey. What if people thought that’s how I acted all the time?

The crazy thing that I had to learn is that if you want a history with someone, be it a friend or mentor or church, you have to build it. And building a history takes time and effort, so don’t give up or expect too much too soon. Pray that God would provide a solid, biblical church where you fit in—you’ll need people from all walks of life beside you—and other women to walk alongside. Then go out and make friends. Go to your church’s events. Talk to people. Invite them to coffee or over for a movie. And most importantly, learn to listen. Ask others about themselves and be genuinely interested in what they have to say.

If you want to be here, really be here, then you have to build a community. Otherwise, all you’ll do is think about home, call friends every chance you get, and be so lonely here you won’t want to stay.

P.S.—Trust me, it gets easier. You’ll make friends, good friends you wouldn’t trade for anything. You’ll grow (more than you thought possible), and you’ll see God provide for you in ways you didn’t know you’d need.

Invite others in. Once you have your people, your new friends, always continue inviting others in.

I know, you might get jealous or worry maybe your friend will like them and ditch  you—you get all, you know, defense-mode. I’ve had other girls act that way towards me when I was apparently getting too close to their friend, and I’ve acted that way before, too. But don’t be like that. Not only does it make you look both immature and insecure, it also doesn’t reflect the biblical picture of community we see in scripture.

Be hospitable—genuinely welcome others into your life.

(And, no, this does not mean you have to be BFFs with every person out there. But you do need to be friendly and show them the same love that has been shown to you.)

2. Start Your Own Traditions

Decorate! Maybe this is obvious, but if you’re not going home for a holiday or only get to go home for a few days, decorate your apartment! Hit the Goodwill or local thrift shops around town and find a few decorations to help your apartment feel festive. Make your little home warm and inviting, even if only for yourself and roommates. Y’all know Pinterest has all sorts of fun, inexpensive ideas to decorate: don’t just pin ‘em, make ‘em! And if you have extras you don’t want or won’t use, pass them on to others.

Celebrate! You’re in a new place with new people—how exciting! Start your own new traditions! This could either mean incorporating your family’s traditions, like a favorite movie while cooking together or decorating with your new friends (while also letting them introduce you to their special family traditions), or it could mean starting something completely new altogether. Google local events going on in the area, and then go explore! Find a swanky little coffee shop you’ve never been to and enjoy a cup of Pumpkin Latte or Peppermint Mocha together. Have a picnic of cocoa and treats in the park. The possibilities here are just about as endless as your own creativity. Get out and do something!

3. Keep Perspective 

As amazing and unbelievable as this might seem, whatever your life looks like this holiday season, well, it probably won’t look the same come this time next year.  Maybe you or a friend will move to another city or a different apartment. Maybe you’ll get married or have a baby. Or maybe you (or your husband) will graduate and find ministry work elsewhere. You never know what this upcoming year might hold. So don’t take what you have here, right now, for granted. As Trace Adkins once sang, “You’re gonna miss this”: the ridiculously small apartment, the even smaller budget, and the community of other seminarians (just as poor and cramped as you!) just trying to be faithful and prepare well while living their lives together one ordinary day at a time. You only get so many Easters, Thanksgivings and Christmases here—don’t waste a single one! Your God is sovereign and aware of where you are. Be where He has you, even if it’s not where He’s going to keep you.

Lindsey Pope is a 2011 graduate of the University of Florida (Go Gators!) and is currently pursuing her M.Div in Christian Ministry. At the age of sixteen, she was called into Christian ministry; that same year she met two women, one in her twenties and the other in her forties, both pursuing their M.Divs. It was then that she first started dreaming of seminary.

Today's post is written by our dear friend, Andrea Allard.  We are so thankful to have her share some words of encouragement on loving even when it's difficult!

I know that this may be hard to believe, but sometimes people are difficult. We are told to love all people in the Bible and that is where it gets tricky. Loving the difficult means stepping outside of your comfort zone and meeting the person where they are at. It is humbling and many times uncomfortable, but our example is Jesus. He went to the sick and hurting, so we must not be afraid to put ourselves out for others. Often it costs us more than we want to pay in emotional turmoil, but what is a little struggle on this planet when we have eternity to spend with the Lord?

Ministry is a life calling and never ends. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing is ministry. The church is filled with people who are hurting - even if they do not admit it. Just think, most people do not meet with the pastor and his wife because all things are going splendidly. It is pain and hurt that usually drives them to seek spiritual solace. At this point in their lives, they can be difficult due to their life circumstances. This is when it is crucial to bring openness and a listening heart to provide the one thing that most people need when they are suffering: Hope.

Loving the difficult is a choice and it must be made every day. All encounters we have with others can be viewed as opportunities to grow and stretch ourselves more into the likeness of Christ. With this positive attitude and an open, approachable spirit, we can reach out to the difficult in the power of Christ to make an eternal impact on their lives as well as experience a deepening commitment of love and obedience to our Lord.

Are you asking yourself this question?  Whether you are a returning student or spouse, or brand new to the area this is a common question we hear in the Women's Life Office. 

Guess what? 

We have an answer for you!  

Connecting Point is a great place for you to meet other students, spouses, faculty wives, and female staff here on campus at SEBTS.  The purpose of Connecting Point is to connect you to each other and the world around you.  At our first event our goal is to network the female students and spouses with each other & the Wake Forest area.  We will feature ministries of the school, food from local businesses, as well as have a Q&A time with Mrs. Akin & Denise O’Donoghue.
 

We are already praying for this event and all of the ladies that will attend!  Invite your neighbors, classmates, and any other SEBTS ladies you know!  It's going to be a blast!  

 Reblogged from Our Single Purpose
 May 14, 2012

I have a confession..my hopes is that by confessing this, some of you will confess this along with me and help me feel a little less embarrassed. Ok-here is my confession. Almost every time I used to see a guy, I immediately would judge him in every way possible to determine within the first 3 min whether or not he is my potential husband.
Maybe it is just my strong desire to be married, or maybe it’s my critical judgmental ways, but I can be anywhere and subconsciously be looking for my husband. I can be in church and meet a guy for the first time, or be in a doctors office and make eye contact with the guy in the waiting room, or even be in my car and look at the guy stopped beside me at the red light and immediately decide if he is the one for me! It’s amazing how fast my brain works as soon as I see that there isn’t a ring on his finger! Of course I determine how good he looks-is he attractive? Then I notice how he dresses-does he take care of himself? Then I notice his smile-does he have a good personality? All of these things can drive a girl crazy-especially if you are trying to meet and talk to a guy for the first time! All within the first few min, I can write a guy off just by these stupid subconscious judgmental thoughts because he doesn’t meet my “standards” of my future husband. Looking back, I think I have been this way for a long time! Am I alone in this?

The Lord has totally made me aware of this very stupid thing over the past couple of years. He has even helped me see how I have ruined some great possible guy friendships in the past, all because of this problem I seem to have. One of the biggest lessons I have learned, and boy do I wish I had learned it a lot sooner, is to look at the guys in my lives as BROTHERS IN CHRIST.

Scripture says in Hebrews 10:24-25,

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. “

My question is this: why should this Scripture only apply to our sisters in Christ? We have a responsibility to encourage and love our brothers, just as much as we do our sisters! Now I realize this should be done with caution, as to avoid unnecessary common sense problems, but with a bit of sense, this should not be hard for us. Maybe it’s just me, but, getting this concept has not been easy. I have to remind myself all the time, to get over this subconscious obsession of finding a husband, and remember that these guys are first and foremost my brothers in Christ. Let me testify that this has literally changed my relationships with guys!

I want to challenge you to examine your own life. How do you internally respond when meeting a guy for the first time? Do you instantly judge him as a “potential” or do you see him as a brother. Do you automatically write guys out of your life if they don’t meet your criteria or standards for a husband? How can we as sisters in Christ better encourage and love our single brothers in Christ?

Marlana is a 20 something living in the sunny state of Florida. She loves driving down country roads, going to the beach, and loving on her nieces and nephew. She is currently working on her M.Div. in Women’s Studies at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. She loves Jesus and desires to teach and disciple teenage girls and women in the Word of God. Marlana is the visionary for this blog and prays that this will be an encouragement to all.

Reblogged from Ligonier Ministries 
Noel Piper July 1, 2011

Go ahead. Ask me what would make me happiest if I had a totally free day. I’d tell you that during such a dream day I’d be by myself, probably with a book. Right at the front of my personality assessment is a capital I that means “introvert.” It could also stand for “I want to be alone—a lot.”

Over the years, when my husband and I have tried to untangle some of the snarls in my life, sometimes he’s ventured to ask, “Noël, don’t you think it might help to have some women around you to offer other perspectives and to pray for you and maybe give some helpful suggestions?”

I knew he must be right because King Solomon said the same thing, and his wisdom was so phenomenal it left the Queen of Sheba breathless (1 Kings 10:1–13). His writings in the Bible are even called Wisdom Literature. So I thought it probably would be wise for me to pay attention when Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 4:9–10a that it’s good to have friends because they support each other: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.”

In fact, Solomon goes on to say we’re in trouble if we don’t have friends: “Woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” (4:10b). He says friends watch out for each other’s needs: “If two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?” (4:11). And friends share their strength against adversity: “Though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him — a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (4:12).

So my mouth said to my husband, “That’s a wise idea.” But my heart cringed at the thought of letting people close enough to poke around in my weaknesses, my mistakes, my faults, and my inadequacies. I decided that I needed to get my life sorted out, then I could include friends — someday, when I could be a giver instead of a taker. “I ought to be able to manage all this,” I thought.

But no matter how much I tried, things didn’t get better. And I felt more and more depressed.
Then came the day in the counselor’s office when he said, “Tell me the names of four or five godly women you’d be willing to be totally open with.” I rolled the eyes of my heart. Not this again.

I told him who those women would be (if I were going to be totally open with someone). I thought: “He’s going to counsel me to think about drawing them around me sometime soon. I’ll say OK and then drag my feet a few weeks until we’ve moved on to other things.”

But he didn’t leave me that escape route. Instead, he said: “When you get home, contact them today. Ask each woman if she can commit to be here with you at our appointments, starting next time. Their wisdom will be part of our conversation. And they will be a support to you in the days between appointments.”
“Right,” I thought pessimistically. “Those are busy women. They have their own problems to deal with. I’d be presumptuous asking so much time from them.”

But I did as I was told. I went home and emailed four women a message that boiled down to this: “My life is a mess. Will you help me? But I know you’re really busy, so please say no if that’s best for you.”

I pressed the send button, hoping they’d all say they couldn’t. That thought was barely complete before the replies showed up in my inbox — four people who said they felt inadequate because of their own struggles, but they were honored and would be with me at the counselor’s office on Monday.

As minimal as my email confession had been, it was enough to poke a small hole through the curtain I’d been living behind — the screen that allowed an audience to see only a shadowy outline of me. On my side of the curtain, I was amazed to sense the thin beam of light and the breeze of fresh air making their way through the hole.

Already I could breathe a little more easily because now there were four women with whom I could start to relax, since I wouldn’t need to maintain with them the tension of projecting or protecting an image of the person I thought I ought to be.

Yes, this would be good in the long run, but in the meantime, what? The day came to meet with the women and the counselor. I headed off to that appointment feeling an ocean of empathy toward Eustace when he was waiting for Aslan to peel off his dragon skin.

In my anxiety, though, I hadn’t taken into account one essential thing: friendship goes both direct ions. These women weren’t coming to examine me and work on fixing me. They were ready to give themselves and to receive from me and from each other.

In that session and in the days to come, as these friends opened themselves to me, my heart warmed to them and I felt more and more freedom with them. We came to trust each other with the tender places of our hearts.

In Proverbs 27:9, Solomon might have been writing about my friends: “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” God used them to make my heart glad with their contemporary versions of practical oil and luxurious perfume: homemade bread, excellent coffee, brilliant bouquets, lunches together, and meals for my family.

God showed Himself in the deep wisdom that sprang from their lives’ stories of widowhood, life-threatening disease, physical disability, and victory over severe obesity. In their wider family groups were suicide, mental illness, prodigal children, and alienation. Those kinds of pain become part of a person’s life and are rarely over and done. So from within their own history and daily experience, with tenderness, understanding, and empathy of experience they prayed for me, advised me, and gave me hope.

To be fair, sometimes their words were not easy for me to hear. Often the phone calls, text messages, or emails were positive and encouraging. But sometimes a wise friend saw that I needed a rebuke, a reminder to call sin “sin.” “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Prov. 27:6).

I was sixty years old when this story began — when I was forced to have friends. I am ashamed that, until then, I could have remained so ignorant of what God intended friendship to be. At the same time, I am filled with gratitude that God didn’t leave me alone.

Good things can happen in solitude. Quietness can be a sweet place to meet God. But there’s a dark side to solitude when I crave it above all. The I comes to mean not “introvert” but literally only “I”: I don’t want you around, because I am the one who makes me happy. I can solve my own problems. I am all I need.
Right now as I lay those thoughts out so bluntly, I recoil from my arrogance. Do we really think, “I am all I need?,” as if we were God?

O Lord, protect me from myself. Please help me to be still and know that you are God.

I am still an introvert. My dream day still is a day by myself, but only once in a while. I thank God for the women he gave me when I needed to receive friendship. I pray that God will shape my heart to give friendship like they do — like Jesus told us to: “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).

Jesus said, “I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15). He is the one I most want as a friend. I don’t want ever to be totally alone, without Jesus. I thank God for friends who have shown me Jesus’ kind of love. They have been an appetizer for the feast of Jesus’ friendship.

 

Noël Piper and her husband, John, have ministered since 1980 at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota. They have five sons and a daughter. Noël grew up in Georgia and is a graduate of Wheaton College.