How to Not Die of Loneliness During the Holidays When You Can’t Go Home

Sometimes the hardest part of the holidays is the fact that you live eight hours away from family and can’t afford to go home.

I didn’t quite know how much I’d struggle my first year away from Florida. Sure, I had lived away from home during college, a whole one hour and forty-five minutes away, but moving to Wake Forest was my first time living in a different state than my family and childhood friends for an extended amount of time. Through my time here, God has shown me more than I ever expected (or, at times, wanted!). Here’s a few ways I’ve learned to enjoy different kinds of holiday seasons through my fair share of moping, crying, and making do. Maybe you’ll start to see the fun and adventure constrained circumstances can actually afford during the holidays!

1. Build a Community Where You Are

Make new friends. When my parents and I first unloaded a U-Haul of furniture, clothes, books, and whatever else I deemed necessary to life here in Wake Forest, I knew absolutely no one.

No contacts. No friends. Nada. So I know how awkward and exhausting it can be to make new friends in a place where you have zero history.
 I felt like I couldn’t be frustrated or have a bad day. New people wouldn’t know that I wasn’t being normal Lindsey, but grouchy Lindsey, or really, really, tired Lindsey, or hangry (so hungry you angry!) Lindsey. What if people thought that’s how I acted all the time?

The crazy thing that I had to learn is that if you want a history with someone, be it a friend or mentor or church, you have to build it. And building a history takes time and effort, so don’t give up or expect too much too soon. Pray that God would provide a solid, biblical church where you fit in—you’ll need people from all walks of life beside you—and other women to walk alongside. Then go out and make friends. Go to your church’s events. Talk to people. Invite them to coffee or over for a movie. And most importantly, learn to listen. Ask others about themselves and be genuinely interested in what they have to say.

If you want to be here, really be here, then you have to build a community. Otherwise, all you’ll do is think about home, call friends every chance you get, and be so lonely here you won’t want to stay.

P.S.—Trust me, it gets easier. You’ll make friends, good friends you wouldn’t trade for anything. You’ll grow (more than you thought possible), and you’ll see God provide for you in ways you didn’t know you’d need.

Invite others in. Once you have your people, your new friends, always continue inviting others in.

I know, you might get jealous or worry maybe your friend will like them and ditch  you—you get all, you know, defense-mode. I’ve had other girls act that way towards me when I was apparently getting too close to their friend, and I’ve acted that way before, too. But don’t be like that. Not only does it make you look both immature and insecure, it also doesn’t reflect the biblical picture of community we see in scripture.

Be hospitable—genuinely welcome others into your life.

(And, no, this does not mean you have to be BFFs with every person out there. But you do need to be friendly and show them the same love that has been shown to you.)

2. Start Your Own Traditions

Decorate! Maybe this is obvious, but if you’re not going home for a holiday or only get to go home for a few days, decorate your apartment! Hit the Goodwill or local thrift shops around town and find a few decorations to help your apartment feel festive. Make your little home warm and inviting, even if only for yourself and roommates. Y’all know Pinterest has all sorts of fun, inexpensive ideas to decorate: don’t just pin ‘em, make ‘em! And if you have extras you don’t want or won’t use, pass them on to others.

Celebrate! You’re in a new place with new people—how exciting! Start your own new traditions! This could either mean incorporating your family’s traditions, like a favorite movie while cooking together or decorating with your new friends (while also letting them introduce you to their special family traditions), or it could mean starting something completely new altogether. Google local events going on in the area, and then go explore! Find a swanky little coffee shop you’ve never been to and enjoy a cup of Pumpkin Latte or Peppermint Mocha together. Have a picnic of cocoa and treats in the park. The possibilities here are just about as endless as your own creativity. Get out and do something!

3. Keep Perspective 

As amazing and unbelievable as this might seem, whatever your life looks like this holiday season, well, it probably won’t look the same come this time next year.  Maybe you or a friend will move to another city or a different apartment. Maybe you’ll get married or have a baby. Or maybe you (or your husband) will graduate and find ministry work elsewhere. You never know what this upcoming year might hold. So don’t take what you have here, right now, for granted. As Trace Adkins once sang, “You’re gonna miss this”: the ridiculously small apartment, the even smaller budget, and the community of other seminarians (just as poor and cramped as you!) just trying to be faithful and prepare well while living their lives together one ordinary day at a time. You only get so many Easters, Thanksgivings and Christmases here—don’t waste a single one! Your God is sovereign and aware of where you are. Be where He has you, even if it’s not where He’s going to keep you.

Lindsey Pope is a 2011 graduate of the University of Florida (Go Gators!) and is currently pursuing her M.Div in Christian Ministry. At the age of sixteen, she was called into Christian ministry; that same year she met two women, one in her twenties and the other in her forties, both pursuing their M.Divs. It was then that she first started dreaming of seminary.

We hope to see you on Monday night for the first Connecting Point event of 2014! 

*If you will need childcare, don't forget to contact the Women's Life Office at 919-761-2340 by 4pm on Friday, January 31.*

Today we have the blessing of hearing from the Lyon's for {Part Two} of our mini-series for this month, Trusting Jesus.  Go ahead and dive into today's post, we are sure that you will be refreshed and challenged! To see {Part One} of the series click here.

Let's Hear From Stephanie: 

The concept of trusting Christ should never be something that sounds “old hat,” or that we hear and think, “Oh, I’ve heard this a million times.” But if you’re like me, sometimes when you hear that, it sounds as familiar as the good trusty Sunday School answer-of-all-questions, “Jesus.”

Yet, trusting Jesus is literally at the foundation of every single second of the Believers life:

every decision, response, prayer and desire. When I am tempted to worry, is that worry displaying that I am trusting my King in the matter, or myself? When I find myself battling fear in a certain area, am I sincerely trusting Christ over this issue?

If I am, it’s really a game-changer.

Larry eluded to this is his post last week, but one area that God has called us to great trust in Jesus is in the area of growing our family. For many reasons, we desire to a have big family. In God’s kindness, our oldest daughter, Anna Kate, is now eight, and our youngest, Abby, is five. We cherish the calling to be their parents deeply. Yet, in between these precious daughters, I was actually pregnant with a child before Anna Kate, in which we lost to miscarriage. Woah, talk about my trust in Jesus. That was a dark place for me when it came to trusting Christ well, yet He worked mightily in my heart though the power of the Gospel.  When Anna Kate was 18 months old, I got pregnant again, only to experience the searing loss of another miscarriage. My heart and my trust in Christ were spinning. I was battling fear; fear that we would never be able to have another child on our own, fear that even the child I held in my arms (Anna Kate) would be taken away from me, fear that God didn’t really have my best interest at heart.

That was a season of great heat in my life, like Jeremiah 17:7-8 talks about. 

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him…it does not fear when heat comes…”

The Lord was asking me,

Am I really your portion? (Psalm 73:26)

Do you really trust me?

That my thoughts and ways are higher than yours? (Isa 55)

That I am good, and my steadfast love really does endure forever? (Psa 118:1)

I have begged Him through many tears, both then and now, to please increase my faith in Him, to help me to resolutely trust in Him, and to help my unbelief (Mark 9:24). For I believe Hebrews 11:6 is true, and that without faith it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God, and by His grace alone, I want to please Him more than anything. 

So help in trusting Him more is what I need. 

Daily. 

Moment by moment.

Little did I know that after that second miscarriage, God would grace us with Abby, but He was also preparing us for two additional miscarriages. It’s been almost nine years since God began growing our family, and while we still greatly desire more children, He has not chosen to give them to us, both naturally or through adoption. So, like every other area of our life, we are daily called to trust Him in this, and trust Him as our Portion.

In Him alone, we stand here today saying He is worthy of our trust, and we WILL trust you, King Jesus. 

Let's Hear From Larry:

Often I attempt to communicate my trust of Christ and His work in my life by dialogue directed inwardly to myself, or to others, a sort of talking it out type of thing. I also have the tendency to “prove” my trust by going about my tasks everyday in ways I believe will honor the Lord. What I often fail to do is slow down, pray, listen, and think. It is evident that we lack trust when, in the business of life, we fail to commune with Christ. Paying lip service or deed service to trusting Christ reveals the opposite of what we hope to show; reliance on our own is a lack of trust in Christ.

So, the question must be asked, “how does one show that we trust Christ?” We reveal our deep and abiding trust in Christ when we spend time with him. As Martin Luther is cited as saying, “I am too busy not to pray!” This captures what a trusting heart in Jesus looks like. Do we pray? Do we read our Bibles? Do we enjoy the fellowship with other believers? Do we evangelize? See, it is in these normal Christian behaviors that we show how much reliance we place in Jesus. Being busy, even in good, godly endeavors does not escape us from the necessary attachment to the Lord that we must have.

The last verses of Matthew 9 help make this clear for us as we read about Christ’s plan to bring in His harvest. After the Sermon on the Mount (Matt 5-7) and various healing and teachings (Matt 8-9), Jesus continues to go throughout all the cities and villages teaching and healing. His compassion is evident and He is making himself known as the true Shepherd. He provides clear instruction to His followers, “Then he said to his disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.’” Our first response to this passage is usually to see that laborers are needed and say, “I will be a laborer.” And, yes there is labor to be done and yes, we should be the laborers. But notice what Jesus sets before His followers as of first responsibility: prayer. Don’t work yet, don’t labor yet, rather pray. The foundation for the ministry and work of God’s people is to be built on the foundation of prayer. My pastor recently highlighted that this is how Jesus will enact His work; it first be through the “work” of prayer. The answer to the prayer is laborers.

So, do you begin working and then pray as you go? Or do you work and pray later? It seems that Jesus loves those prayers, but shows us that the more strategic and fruitful order of events will be to first pray, then let Him work in and through us to bring His harvest for His glory. May we be encouraged that Jesus first finds our faith in in our time with Him, and then sends us out to spend time in His harvest field.  Trust in faith first, and then work.

Larry and Stephanie have been married 11 years and have 2 beautiful girls: Anna Kate - 8 and Abby - 5. Larry worked in both education and business for eight years prior to entering his doctoral studies and working full-time for SEBTS as Director of Admissions. Stephanie is a former employee of the North American Mission Board and Hebron Baptist Church and has a passion for teaching and discipling younger women. Stephanie currently devotes herself to serving her family, her community, and the Body of Christ.

This week is Global Missions Week here at SEBTS, and we wanted to focus on global missions on the blog as well!  Today you have the privilege to hear from Lesley Hildreth.  Lesley has much experience overseas, and uses her experience and wisdom to teach and encourage the ladies here at SEBTS.  Read her post below to learn a little more about what wives go through while serving overseas, and take a moment to pray for our families serving overseas.

After leaving the mission field over six years ago one of my greatest desires has been to equip other women who are preparing to go. As a guest lecturer for Southeastern's Biblical Women's Institute's degree program I have taught a course called Preparing For Missions for the past five years. It has been both an honor and privilege to encourage, equip, and pray for these women. Once the students are overseas they are required to meet in a central location in order to take two classes to fulfill their International Church Planting Degree. While the students are in class Southeastern provides a program for their wives and childcare is provided by volunteers from local churches in the states. I have been fortunate to be able to travel and spend time with these women and always walk away with new insights and ways to pray more specifically for their needs. After my most recent trip to Taiwan this past January I thought that it would be helpful to others to know how to pray more effectively and specifically for these wives serving overseas. If one has not personally spent time overseas it can be difficult to not only understand the needs of those serving the nations but to know what to pray.

Here are some common issues these wives are facing daily and a little bit of insight into what that could mean for some of them. I hope you will find this both informative and helpful as you encourage and bless these women and others serving the nations.

LANGUAGE LEARNING/BALANCING ROLES:

The first year or two on the field is spent learning another language. Most of our wives are not only full time language students learning very difficult languages but are also mothers seeking to balance their many roles without feeling like they are failing at one or more in order to succeed at another. Without language a person can not function in society or engage with people. This will eventually lead to discontentment and more importantly the missionary is unable to accomplish the very thing they went for: to share the gospel message to those who have not heard.

*Some verses to consider praying for them: Phil. 4:11, Eph. 5:21-6:4, and Psalm 23)

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. Phil. 4:11

HEALTH ISSUES:

Health issues are sometimes brought on by stress, caused by the new environment (food or new germs), or illnesses that are not related to anything new but are simply a normal part of life. In each case these issues create anxiety and fear as missionaries seek to just feel well/normal again. For moms with young children who experience a lot of sickness in the first year or two or develop a new health issue while on the field can bring a tremendous amount of stress on a family. In some areas that the wives are serving going to a doctor who speaks and/or understands English is not an option. In some areas the medical care available is not adequate and families may need to travel long distances for care or even consider relocating for prolonged care. This can be a very scary time for some and many battle with fear and the unknown.

(Some verses to consider praying for them: Phil. 4:6, Matthew 6:25-34, Heb. 4:16, Psalm 34:19)

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

SPIRITUAL WARFARE:

Most Americans do not recognize and/or do not experience spiritual warfare. Many families find themselves dealing with spiritual warfare issues and have no idea how to deal with or handle them when they occur. Many of our families have shared that their children have experienced reoccurring nightmares since moving overseas.

(Some verses to consider when praying for them: Eph 6;10-20, Rom. 8:28, 2 Thes. 3:1-2)

Finally, brothers,pray for us, that the word of the Lord may speed ahead and be honored, as happened among you, 2 and that we may be delivered from wicked and evil men. For not all have faith. 2 Thes. 3:1-2

These are just a few areas that you can pray for these women. Even though these women are dealing with issues you may not be able to relate to or fully understand we can ALL relate to the need to have a sister in Christ take our needs before the Lord in prayer.

Lesley Hildreth has been married to Scott for the past 20 years and has two children: Rachel, 18 and Jacob, 16. Their family served overseas in Berlin, Germany and Istanbul, Turkey with the IMB for eight years. Currently Scott is the Director of the Center for Great Commission Studies at Southeastern and Lesley is a guest lecturer for the Biblical Women's Institute as well as the Community Service Coordinator for Broughton High School. Lesley currently serves as The President for Southeastern's Women's Club and Faculty Advisor for the Connecting Point Team as well as serving as a mentor for female students or student wives on campus.

 

Last Monday night we had a great group of ladies attend Project:Compassion.  We are so thankful for each of you that attend Connecting Point events.  Thanks for coming out on such a cold and rainy night!

We started out the night hearing from Dr. Steve McKinion.  He shared great insights into suffering, and how to suffer well.  He walked us through their suffering with their youngest son's battle with leukemia, and different ways that their eyes have been opened to this new world.  To hear more about Dr. McKinion and his family check out his blog. 

Mrs. Ginger McKinion then shared some personal stories of how they have been ministered to during the past year and a half.  We are so thankful for their families transparency through everything that they have faced.  Ginger's honesty and realness was so engaging, and attendees were able to get an inside look at what it looks like day to day dealing with the in's and out's of having a child with cancer.  She also shared some very practical tips on what to say (or not say) to families when dealing with suffering, and tangible things you can do for people to show you care.  A great idea that she shared was to give gas cards and gift cards .  This was relevant for their family because they are on the road back and forth from the cancer center so much. Both Steve and Ginger stressed how prayer really does mean so much to families when they are going through hard times. 

Hearing from the McKinion's was the highlight of the night! If only we would have had a few more hours to hear from them and ask questions! :)

After listening to the McKinion's the attendees had a chance to write encouraging cards to different families who are in the midst of suffering.  Three families were actually friends of the McKinion's that they have been able to meet and form frienships through Harrison at the children's cancer center.  Other families included some of our own SEBTS faculty, the Merkle's and the Black's.  Ladies also had an opportunity to write notes to nurses that work in the cancer center where Harrison gets his treatment.  Our goal is writing the letters was to do something tangible to show compassion for those hurting around us right then.  Writing a note is so simple, and takes such little time, but can make such an impact.
 

We ended the night with sweet worship led by Josh and Pam.  There is just something about singing all together praises to God that really brings your heart to a place of pure worship.  

We pray that attendees were able to walk away with their eyes opened to how to show compassion to those that are hurting.  It was a great night!

Mark your calendars for Monday, May 6th for our final Connecting Point event of the year.  Project:Commission will be a special time of prayer and encouragement for the female students and wives that are leaving for overseas missions this year.  You do not want to miss this event!

As we continue on with this month's posts about LOVE, today's blog post is one you do not want to miss!  We're featuring guest blogger Kittie Trail today, and boy does she have some great words of insight for us.  Check out the post below to read the personal journey Kittie has walked in the past year, and what she has to tell us about loving those that are hurting.  

One year ago this month, I experienced a new dimension of hurting and suffering when I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer.  After a year of treatments, including radiation, two series of chemotherapy and two surgeries, I have been declared NED (No Evidence of Disease). I am cancer free!! Praise God!  I am rejoicing but also have a new understanding and perspective of those who are hurting and suffering.  I had never had much more than a cold in my life and really didn’t know what it was like to be in pain or to suffer.  The Lord has walked with me every step of the way on this amazing journey that has been blessed beyond measure.  I didn’t say it was “pleasant” or “without frustration” but very “blessed”.

Looking back over the past year I have seen the mighty healing power of our awesome God.  However, not everyone who is hurting or suffering experiences that result.  That doesn’t mean there is a lack of faith or that God can’t heal or bring relief.  He can do whatever He chooses to do.  There is a great deal of false theology floating around that says, “If you just have faith you will be healed or you won’t have to suffer”.  That does not line up with the teaching of Scripture.

In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul talks about being “given a thorn in the flesh”—he was suffering.  He pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away.  But God chose not to remove it.  Instead the Lord said to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Did Paul lack faith?  No, Paul said, “I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardship, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  Strong’s Greek Lexicon describes weakness as feebleness of health or sickness.   Paul was well acquainted with hurting and suffering yet chose to “delight” in what he was going through.  He experienced God’s grace in the midst of his suffering.

When I was going through treatment, I never thought I would find myself saying, “Thank you God for cancer”, or that I would find any joy on the journey.  But somewhere in the midst of the illness and treatments, there was no other response than gratitude for God’s grace.  One of the reasons is because I was surrounded with people who knew how to love me during some of the most difficult days of my life. 

When we announced my diagnosis to family and friends, it was like the flood gates of blessings began to pour in.  I got texts, email messages, phone calls and literally hundreds of cards from all over the world.  I wanted to keep each card that arrived, so I bought a really large decorative box.  I call it my “Blessing Box” because it is full of over 200 cards of encouragement, Scripture, handmade notes, and hundreds of promises of prayers.  

On Valentine’s Day, my first day of chemo and radiation treatments began.  Special friends decorated our house with posters, cards, candy and more messages.  When I came home from the hospital, it was like walking into a room full of love. 

Four very dear sisters in the Lord who lived on three different continents managed to piece together a quilt for me. I was literally wrapped with their love and prayers.  Another group of friends showed up one day with a new chest freezer full of frozen homemade dinners.  They knew my husband doesn’t cook and that nutrition would be essential to my healing.  Flowers, more meals, friends cleaning my house and doing yard work just kept coming for 11 months.  The body of Christ showed up with a healing balm that was an amazing display of being the hands and feet of Christ Himself.  There was no other appropriate response to cancer but gratitude.

One day I was checking into the hospital for a treatment.  The receptionist always asked, “Is there someone with you?”  My sweet husband never let me go alone to a treatment.  If he couldn’t go with me, he made sure someone else was there.  I was very saddened one day as an older gentlemen came for treatment by his self.  His response to the nurse’s question was, “No, I’m all alone.”  My heart broke to think that he was suffering all alone.  I met another lady who came to treatment on the public bus, all alone.  I was never alone.  The Lord was always there, and He surrounded me with friends and family from all over the world to encourage and pray for me…..people who knew how to love when it hurts. 

Hurting usually involves some sort of loss.  Loss can come in many forms other than death---loss of a job, loss of a home and community due to a move, loss of good health, or loss of a relationship.  Whatever the loss, there is usually hurt or suffering. 

So how do we respond?

• Listen, listen, listen.  Don’t offer advice or solutions, just be there and listen. Quiet presence, especially for the sick is important.  Most of the time, there is nothing you can say to make the pain go away.  Try not to give advice or focus on your own pain. 
• Acts of kindness - Shower people with tangible blessings like meals, offers of house cleaning, taking care of children, rides to doctor’s appointments, etc. Offer specific aid that you know you can deliver.
• Phone calls, written words of encouragement or any gesture that says, “I haven’t forgotten you.”   Life goes on for those who are not in the midst of hurting.  For the hurting, often, one cannot leave their home or be involved in regular activities.  Skype or do Face Time if you can’t be there in person. Loneliness can be intense.
• Pray, pray, pray.  Don’t be afraid to ask your hurting friend, “How can I pray for you?”
• Allowing someone to vent and talk is very therapeutic.  It will help you to know how to be more specific in your prayers.  

Finally, remember to say “I love you” and your heavenly Father loves you even more.  You are not forgotten or ever alone.        
   

 

Kittie Trail has been a missionary with the International Mission Board (IMB) for the past 30 years working mainly in Africa.  She, and her husband, Randy, are on a temporary assignment serving as Assoc Personnel Consultants for IMB and live in Wake Forest, NC.  They have an office on the campus of SEBTS and enjoy walking with students and others in the area who are going the application process to become missionaries.  They have three grown sons who were all raised on the mission field.