How to Not Die of Loneliness During the Holidays When You Can’t Go Home

Sometimes the hardest part of the holidays is the fact that you live eight hours away from family and can’t afford to go home.

I didn’t quite know how much I’d struggle my first year away from Florida. Sure, I had lived away from home during college, a whole one hour and forty-five minutes away, but moving to Wake Forest was my first time living in a different state than my family and childhood friends for an extended amount of time. Through my time here, God has shown me more than I ever expected (or, at times, wanted!). Here’s a few ways I’ve learned to enjoy different kinds of holiday seasons through my fair share of moping, crying, and making do. Maybe you’ll start to see the fun and adventure constrained circumstances can actually afford during the holidays!

1. Build a Community Where You Are

Make new friends. When my parents and I first unloaded a U-Haul of furniture, clothes, books, and whatever else I deemed necessary to life here in Wake Forest, I knew absolutely no one.

No contacts. No friends. Nada. So I know how awkward and exhausting it can be to make new friends in a place where you have zero history.
 I felt like I couldn’t be frustrated or have a bad day. New people wouldn’t know that I wasn’t being normal Lindsey, but grouchy Lindsey, or really, really, tired Lindsey, or hangry (so hungry you angry!) Lindsey. What if people thought that’s how I acted all the time?

The crazy thing that I had to learn is that if you want a history with someone, be it a friend or mentor or church, you have to build it. And building a history takes time and effort, so don’t give up or expect too much too soon. Pray that God would provide a solid, biblical church where you fit in—you’ll need people from all walks of life beside you—and other women to walk alongside. Then go out and make friends. Go to your church’s events. Talk to people. Invite them to coffee or over for a movie. And most importantly, learn to listen. Ask others about themselves and be genuinely interested in what they have to say.

If you want to be here, really be here, then you have to build a community. Otherwise, all you’ll do is think about home, call friends every chance you get, and be so lonely here you won’t want to stay.

P.S.—Trust me, it gets easier. You’ll make friends, good friends you wouldn’t trade for anything. You’ll grow (more than you thought possible), and you’ll see God provide for you in ways you didn’t know you’d need.

Invite others in. Once you have your people, your new friends, always continue inviting others in.

I know, you might get jealous or worry maybe your friend will like them and ditch  you—you get all, you know, defense-mode. I’ve had other girls act that way towards me when I was apparently getting too close to their friend, and I’ve acted that way before, too. But don’t be like that. Not only does it make you look both immature and insecure, it also doesn’t reflect the biblical picture of community we see in scripture.

Be hospitable—genuinely welcome others into your life.

(And, no, this does not mean you have to be BFFs with every person out there. But you do need to be friendly and show them the same love that has been shown to you.)

2. Start Your Own Traditions

Decorate! Maybe this is obvious, but if you’re not going home for a holiday or only get to go home for a few days, decorate your apartment! Hit the Goodwill or local thrift shops around town and find a few decorations to help your apartment feel festive. Make your little home warm and inviting, even if only for yourself and roommates. Y’all know Pinterest has all sorts of fun, inexpensive ideas to decorate: don’t just pin ‘em, make ‘em! And if you have extras you don’t want or won’t use, pass them on to others.

Celebrate! You’re in a new place with new people—how exciting! Start your own new traditions! This could either mean incorporating your family’s traditions, like a favorite movie while cooking together or decorating with your new friends (while also letting them introduce you to their special family traditions), or it could mean starting something completely new altogether. Google local events going on in the area, and then go explore! Find a swanky little coffee shop you’ve never been to and enjoy a cup of Pumpkin Latte or Peppermint Mocha together. Have a picnic of cocoa and treats in the park. The possibilities here are just about as endless as your own creativity. Get out and do something!

3. Keep Perspective 

As amazing and unbelievable as this might seem, whatever your life looks like this holiday season, well, it probably won’t look the same come this time next year.  Maybe you or a friend will move to another city or a different apartment. Maybe you’ll get married or have a baby. Or maybe you (or your husband) will graduate and find ministry work elsewhere. You never know what this upcoming year might hold. So don’t take what you have here, right now, for granted. As Trace Adkins once sang, “You’re gonna miss this”: the ridiculously small apartment, the even smaller budget, and the community of other seminarians (just as poor and cramped as you!) just trying to be faithful and prepare well while living their lives together one ordinary day at a time. You only get so many Easters, Thanksgivings and Christmases here—don’t waste a single one! Your God is sovereign and aware of where you are. Be where He has you, even if it’s not where He’s going to keep you.

Lindsey Pope is a 2011 graduate of the University of Florida (Go Gators!) and is currently pursuing her M.Div in Christian Ministry. At the age of sixteen, she was called into Christian ministry; that same year she met two women, one in her twenties and the other in her forties, both pursuing their M.Divs. It was then that she first started dreaming of seminary.

As we continue on with this month's posts about LOVE, today's blog post is one you do not want to miss!  We're featuring guest blogger Kittie Trail today, and boy does she have some great words of insight for us.  Check out the post below to read the personal journey Kittie has walked in the past year, and what she has to tell us about loving those that are hurting.  

One year ago this month, I experienced a new dimension of hurting and suffering when I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer.  After a year of treatments, including radiation, two series of chemotherapy and two surgeries, I have been declared NED (No Evidence of Disease). I am cancer free!! Praise God!  I am rejoicing but also have a new understanding and perspective of those who are hurting and suffering.  I had never had much more than a cold in my life and really didn’t know what it was like to be in pain or to suffer.  The Lord has walked with me every step of the way on this amazing journey that has been blessed beyond measure.  I didn’t say it was “pleasant” or “without frustration” but very “blessed”.

Looking back over the past year I have seen the mighty healing power of our awesome God.  However, not everyone who is hurting or suffering experiences that result.  That doesn’t mean there is a lack of faith or that God can’t heal or bring relief.  He can do whatever He chooses to do.  There is a great deal of false theology floating around that says, “If you just have faith you will be healed or you won’t have to suffer”.  That does not line up with the teaching of Scripture.

In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul talks about being “given a thorn in the flesh”—he was suffering.  He pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away.  But God chose not to remove it.  Instead the Lord said to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Did Paul lack faith?  No, Paul said, “I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardship, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  Strong’s Greek Lexicon describes weakness as feebleness of health or sickness.   Paul was well acquainted with hurting and suffering yet chose to “delight” in what he was going through.  He experienced God’s grace in the midst of his suffering.

When I was going through treatment, I never thought I would find myself saying, “Thank you God for cancer”, or that I would find any joy on the journey.  But somewhere in the midst of the illness and treatments, there was no other response than gratitude for God’s grace.  One of the reasons is because I was surrounded with people who knew how to love me during some of the most difficult days of my life. 

When we announced my diagnosis to family and friends, it was like the flood gates of blessings began to pour in.  I got texts, email messages, phone calls and literally hundreds of cards from all over the world.  I wanted to keep each card that arrived, so I bought a really large decorative box.  I call it my “Blessing Box” because it is full of over 200 cards of encouragement, Scripture, handmade notes, and hundreds of promises of prayers.  

On Valentine’s Day, my first day of chemo and radiation treatments began.  Special friends decorated our house with posters, cards, candy and more messages.  When I came home from the hospital, it was like walking into a room full of love. 

Four very dear sisters in the Lord who lived on three different continents managed to piece together a quilt for me. I was literally wrapped with their love and prayers.  Another group of friends showed up one day with a new chest freezer full of frozen homemade dinners.  They knew my husband doesn’t cook and that nutrition would be essential to my healing.  Flowers, more meals, friends cleaning my house and doing yard work just kept coming for 11 months.  The body of Christ showed up with a healing balm that was an amazing display of being the hands and feet of Christ Himself.  There was no other appropriate response to cancer but gratitude.

One day I was checking into the hospital for a treatment.  The receptionist always asked, “Is there someone with you?”  My sweet husband never let me go alone to a treatment.  If he couldn’t go with me, he made sure someone else was there.  I was very saddened one day as an older gentlemen came for treatment by his self.  His response to the nurse’s question was, “No, I’m all alone.”  My heart broke to think that he was suffering all alone.  I met another lady who came to treatment on the public bus, all alone.  I was never alone.  The Lord was always there, and He surrounded me with friends and family from all over the world to encourage and pray for me…..people who knew how to love when it hurts. 

Hurting usually involves some sort of loss.  Loss can come in many forms other than death---loss of a job, loss of a home and community due to a move, loss of good health, or loss of a relationship.  Whatever the loss, there is usually hurt or suffering. 

So how do we respond?

• Listen, listen, listen.  Don’t offer advice or solutions, just be there and listen. Quiet presence, especially for the sick is important.  Most of the time, there is nothing you can say to make the pain go away.  Try not to give advice or focus on your own pain. 
• Acts of kindness - Shower people with tangible blessings like meals, offers of house cleaning, taking care of children, rides to doctor’s appointments, etc. Offer specific aid that you know you can deliver.
• Phone calls, written words of encouragement or any gesture that says, “I haven’t forgotten you.”   Life goes on for those who are not in the midst of hurting.  For the hurting, often, one cannot leave their home or be involved in regular activities.  Skype or do Face Time if you can’t be there in person. Loneliness can be intense.
• Pray, pray, pray.  Don’t be afraid to ask your hurting friend, “How can I pray for you?”
• Allowing someone to vent and talk is very therapeutic.  It will help you to know how to be more specific in your prayers.  

Finally, remember to say “I love you” and your heavenly Father loves you even more.  You are not forgotten or ever alone.        
   

 

Kittie Trail has been a missionary with the International Mission Board (IMB) for the past 30 years working mainly in Africa.  She, and her husband, Randy, are on a temporary assignment serving as Assoc Personnel Consultants for IMB and live in Wake Forest, NC.  They have an office on the campus of SEBTS and enjoy walking with students and others in the area who are going the application process to become missionaries.  They have three grown sons who were all raised on the mission field.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3

Here is the promise made to us by Scripture.  That no matter what the obstacle, trial, conflict or suffering, we can experience the perfect peace of God which will supply us with all that we need to persevere.  Philippians 4:8 further helps to explain what we are to do in taking our thoughts captive, "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." In short, if we occupy our minds on the beauty of the Gospel and the character of God, then we will experience perfect peace.  Simple enough, right? So if that's all there is to battling unbelief and worry, then why are we not able to successfully find this peace in our day to day existence?  Why do I wake up worrying about relationships in my life, my work, my bank account, my family?  Why do I struggle with critical thoughts? Why do I constantly find myself in a state of unbelief regarding God's character and his care over me?

I believe the struggle regarding our thoughts continues because we have done a poor job of practically applying these two principles in our daily lives. We don't experience peace because we don't practically look to make permanent changes in our hearts so that our thoughts will become steadfast.  We simply try and will ourselves to think only lovely things and to focus on the Lord.  In the counseling world, we call this approach "white knuckling it" meaning that we ball our hands up in a tight fist and say "I can do it! I can do it." The problem with white knuckling it is that you can only clench your fists for so long.  Eventually you will tire out.  The same goes with taking our thoughts captive.  

Here's an exercise to prove my point.  I want you to do exactly as I say.  Ready?  Don't look at the light bulb in your room.  Don't look at it. If it's a lamp, don't you dare cast your eyes that way.  Don't look at the light fixture. Don't look at the candle.  Whatever your light source is, don't look at it.

Okay, if you are anything like me, you found yourself suddenly struggling with the desire to look at that darn light bulb!  What was previously not even an idea in your head has now become the one thing you must do.  So go ahead...look at the light.  

The point is that we are setting ourselves up for failure whenever we command ourselves to only think good things.  When we focus on our behaviors and not our hearts, we then experience exactly what the Apostle Paul expresses, " For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."  

When we simply tell ourselves that we are not going to think bad thoughts, we are setting ourselves up for failure in the same way that I set you up for failure when I told you not to look at that light bulb. (Did you just look at it again?) The trick is not to deny our negative thoughts.  In the same way that we cannot easily dismiss our desire to look at the light bulb, we also cannot turn a blind eye to our negative thoughts.  We can't overlook the elephant in the room.  And let's be real, we know it's there and so does God.  To simply dismiss the sinful thought or the heart driving it is to refuse to confess our sin to our Savior.  Avoiding the problem doesn't make it go away. We must get to the root of these thoughts to make permanent heart change.  So how do we do this? We involve God. We seek to think pleasing thoughts and when we fail, we stop and confess and ask God to help us to grow in this endeavor for holiness.  True sanctification is the combination of the work of the Holy Spirit and our obedience.  Sanctification involves growing in the love and knowledge of our Lord through obeying His commands and in repenting from our sins.  We can model these very things in learning to take our thoughts captive.  Below are what I hope will be helpful points in helping you to practically do this.  

***Please note that I have compiled these notes using Charles Spurgeon's sermon "The Song of the City, and the Pearl of Peace" on Isaiah 26:3 in combination with my own thoughts from Hebrews 3 and 1 Peter 5:6-10 on how to put these concepts to work.  

Our hearts: Hebrews 3

1. Are led astray when we don't consider the ways of the Lord (and specifically his being in the details of our life) Hebrews 3:10

2. When we don't recognize God's hand at work in our lives, our hearts enter into unbelief and we tend to run to our old ways of doing things or avoiding things.

3. Our hearts harden when we refuse to believe God's promises

We enter peace: Hebrews 3 and 1Peter 5:6-10

1. When we choose to meditate on God's promises and his character.

2. When we rest on Christ's promises.

3. When we commune with God 

4. When are hearts allow God to give us the necessary discernment and will to believe him even when we are in the "wilderness."

5. When we come to a place of total resignation to God's will, knowing that his will for us is perfect, loving and good. 1 Peter 5:6

God provides peace: Spurgeon on Isaiah 26:3

1. Through provision of community within the church and physical resources 

2. By working in our mind to renew it and to give it discernment

3. Through providence of circumstances

Taking our thoughts captive: Spurgeon on Isaiah 26:3

1. Every thought must be connected to God. This is not denial of certain thoughts.  It is taking even unbiblical thoughts and contradicting them by tying them to God and his promises. (For example: "Lord, I confess that I am tempted to belittle my co-worker in order to exalt myself. Thank you, Lord, that you do not treat me in this way.  Help me to consider my co-worker better than myself and to seek ways to love and care for her.)

2. We do not dwell on the "What If" thoughts because we are not to dwell on any thought that makes our Lord appear unkind or faithless.--Spurgeon

3. "We are to have no confidence in our circumstances or even in other people.  God must be our supreme confidence and hope."--Spurgeon

4. "We do not sigh for tomorrow.  We stay where we are anchored by Him."--Spurgeon

5. We cast all of our anxieties on Him because he cares for us. 1 Peter 5:6-10.

"When we rest in God there is no sinful hurrying up."--Spurgeon

As we strive to please the Lord in our thought life, we must saturate ourselves with the Gospel so that we will not become exasperated by our sin. The work of the Holy Spirit is to point us to Christ.  Your sin should serve as a reminder that yes, you still need your precious Savior even today.  We will never be able to do anything apart from Him.  Let your struggles give you a greater passion to lean on Christ for victory over them.  And in the meantime, you will experience the growth of peace in your heart as you strive to be steadfast in your pursuit of the Lord.  

Michelle Horton lives in Northwest Washington, DC. She is a member of Restoration Church where she currently serves part-time on staff as a biblical counselor. She received her Bachelor of Arts in Speech and Communication Studies at Clemson University and her Master of Divinity in Biblical Counseling from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. Prior to becoming a biblical counselor, Michelle pursued a career in television news for six years. It was when Michelle personally experienced the saving grace of Jesus Christ and his redemption in her own life that she first became interested in biblical counseling. She decided to study biblical counseling as a means of sharing Jesus Christ and the transforming power that only comes from walking with Him. Michelle enjoys counseling a wide variety of issues with a special interest in counseling women who struggle with addictions, eating disorders and depression. In her spare time, she enjoys running, water skiing, watching Clemson football and enjoying all the sites and scenery DC has to offer.