How to Not Die of Loneliness During the Holidays When You Can’t Go Home

Sometimes the hardest part of the holidays is the fact that you live eight hours away from family and can’t afford to go home.

I didn’t quite know how much I’d struggle my first year away from Florida. Sure, I had lived away from home during college, a whole one hour and forty-five minutes away, but moving to Wake Forest was my first time living in a different state than my family and childhood friends for an extended amount of time. Through my time here, God has shown me more than I ever expected (or, at times, wanted!). Here’s a few ways I’ve learned to enjoy different kinds of holiday seasons through my fair share of moping, crying, and making do. Maybe you’ll start to see the fun and adventure constrained circumstances can actually afford during the holidays!

1. Build a Community Where You Are

Make new friends. When my parents and I first unloaded a U-Haul of furniture, clothes, books, and whatever else I deemed necessary to life here in Wake Forest, I knew absolutely no one.
No contacts. No friends. Nada. So I know how awkward and exhausting it can be to make new friends in a place where you have zero history.
 I felt like I couldn’t be frustrated or have a bad day. New people wouldn’t know that I wasn’t being normal Lindsey, but grouchy Lindsey, or really, really, tired Lindsey, or hangry (so hungry you angry!) Lindsey. What if people thought that’s how I acted all the time?

The crazy thing that I had to learn is that if you want a history with someone, be it a friend or mentor or church, you have to build it. And building a history takes time and effort, so don’t give up or expect too much too soon. Pray that God would provide a solid, biblical church where you fit in—you’ll need people from all walks of life beside you—and other women to walk alongside. Then go out and make friends. Go to your church’s events. Talk to people. Invite them to coffee or over for a movie. And most importantly, learn to listen. Ask others about themselves and be genuinely interested in what they have to say.

If you want to be here, really be here, then you have to build a community. Otherwise, all you’ll do is think about home, call friends every chance you get, and be so lonely here you won’t want to stay.

P.S.—Trust me, it gets easier. You’ll make friends, good friends you wouldn’t trade for anything. You’ll grow (more than you thought possible), and you’ll see God provide for you in ways you didn’t know you’d need.

Invite others in. Once you have your people, your new friends, always continue inviting others in.

I know, you might get jealous or worry maybe your friend will like them and ditch  you—you get all, you know, defense-mode. I’ve had other girls act that way towards me when I was apparently getting too close to their friend, and I’ve acted that way before, too. But don’t be like that. Not only does it make you look both immature and insecure, it also doesn’t reflect the biblical picture of community we see in scripture.

Be hospitable—genuinely welcome others into your life.

(And, no, this does not mean you have to be BFFs with every person out there. But you do need to be friendly and show them the same love that has been shown to you.)

2. Start Your Own Traditions

Decorate! Maybe this is obvious, but if you’re not going home for a holiday or only get to go home for a few days, decorate your apartment! Hit the Goodwill or local thrift shops around town and find a few decorations to help your apartment feel festive. Make your little home warm and inviting, even if only for yourself and roommates. Y’all know Pinterest has all sorts of fun, inexpensive ideas to decorate: don’t just pin ‘em, make ‘em! And if you have extras you don’t want or won’t use, pass them on to others.

Celebrate! You’re in a new place with new people—how exciting! Start your own new traditions! This could either mean incorporating your family’s traditions, like a favorite movie while cooking together or decorating with your new friends (while also letting them introduce you to their special family traditions), or it could mean starting something completely new altogether. Google local events going on in the area, and then go explore! Find a swanky little coffee shop you’ve never been to and enjoy a cup of Pumpkin Latte or Peppermint Mocha together. Have a picnic of cocoa and treats in the park. The possibilities here are just about as endless as your own creativity. Get out and do something!

3. Keep Perspective 

As amazing and unbelievable as this might seem, whatever your life looks like this holiday season, well, it probably won’t look the same come this time next year.  Maybe you or a friend will move to another city or a different apartment. Maybe you’ll get married or have a baby. Or maybe you (or your husband) will graduate and find ministry work elsewhere. You never know what this upcoming year might hold. So don’t take what you have here, right now, for granted. As Trace Adkins once sang, “You’re gonna miss this”: the ridiculously small apartment, the even smaller budget, and the community of other seminarians (just as poor and cramped as you!) just trying to be faithful and prepare well while living their lives together one ordinary day at a time. You only get so many Easters, Thanksgivings and Christmases here—don’t waste a single one! Your God is sovereign and aware of where you are. Be where He has you, even if it’s not where He’s going to keep you.

Lindsey Pope is a 2011 graduate of the University of Florida (Go Gators!) and is currently pursuing her M.Div in Christian Ministry. At the age of sixteen, she was called into Christian ministry; that same year she met two women, one in her twenties and the other in her forties, both pursuing their M.Divs. It was then that she first started dreaming of seminary.

I turned 43 this summer! 

In many ways I still feel 23 BUT the spattering of grey hairs and the fine wrinkles that are slowly appearing remind me that I AM getting older J  So why would I reveal my age in a public environment when it is something, as women, that we generally don’t speak of past the age of 30-something?  Revealing my age ties in with the purpose of this article – to show how we can be enslaved to different behaviors for large periods of our lives without realizing how long it has been or even at what initial age we began exhibiting the behavior. 

Ok, slow down, you might be thinking.  What in the world are you talking about?  I am talking about a subject that, I do believe, is a major issue in the lives of many women – eating disorders.

In the summer of 2010 – 3 years ago to date – God began an incredible work in my life which he completed this summer on Wednesday 31^st of July.  The journey began while I was teaching a Bible Study entitled Embracing the Uncluttered Life at the local church we were attending.  The third week was an in-depth look at the physical clutter in our lives, with specific emphasis on diet and exercise.  I commented to my husband during the week of preparation that I was expecting it to be the easiest of the sessions. I had been involved in competitive sport from the young age of 5 and always had an interest in diet and how it affects the human body in terms of health and strength.  Well, was I in for an awakening – it was the toughest session to prepare AND to teach because God revealed to me a very deep obsession with my physical appearance (specifically in the area of my weight) and an even deeper obsession with competition (in the area of sport) because of a deep-rooted insecurity to prove my worth as a person.   As I spent time searching His Word for material to teach the ladies, he brought to the surface an unwillingness on my part to admit that I had been enslaved to various forms of weight control – bingeing, purging, fat burners, and heavy strength training.  All of these things had given me a strong, slim body BUT had left me with an emptiness and heaviness within my spirit that He began to peel away.  It was an exhausting time, but, as He is faithful in finishing what He begins in our lives, it was also the beginning of a journey to freedom.

Jump with me to this summer.  Recently, God sovereignly acted in my life so that I “stumbled upon” Beth Moore’s Breaking Free Bible Study.  In this study, Beth asks the reader to identify any strongholds that need tearing down.  Needless to say, God showed me how dieting and body image had been in my life as a stronghold for over 20 years, and that it finally needed to be laid to rest. 

This is my journal entry from the day that I believe God finally set me free from the insecurities that led to a lifetime of mistreating my body through excessive exercise and eating disorders . . . 

“Father, I am not sure when I began overeating but I do remember the nickname that I was given as a child:  “FATS”.  I hated being called this.  It was and still is a derogatory remark that did nothing to encourage me or to allow me to see myself as beautiful.  It hurt me terribly.  Father, right now I want to offer up forgiveness to those who gave this name to me and I want to ask Your forgiveness for believing this lie.  This image of being fat has infiltrated my mind and been the root cause of so many struggles with my weight over the years.”

It is hard to admit that we have ANY form of eating disorder, for they come in various forms and disguises.  But my heart’s cry is that if you are reading this article and your heart is stirred because of it, that you will seriously ask God to show You if there is anything within your eating or exercise that could be seen as obsessive or destructive.  If He shows you anything that needs dealing with, don’t wait 20 years as I did.  Deal with it today and then believe His Word when he says,

“For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I know that full well.”  (Psalm 139:13-14)

And then remember, EXTERNAL beauty will fade with age but INTERNAL beauty remains forever!

Happy Monday, SEBTS ladies!  We are so excited to have Marlana Branning as our guest blogger today.  It is the month of LOVE, and we just said a few posts ago that we are going to talk about LOVE in some form or fashion ALL MONTH LONG. So in the spirit of LOVE, we asked one of our favorite SEBTS gals to post on this wonderful topic.  Here's the catch...it's not a typical post on LOVE. We don't want to spoil the fun, so read on to hear what our sweet southern girl has to say about the four letter word. 

It’s that time of year again: the time of year where L-O-V-E is in the air.

If you are single, you probably fall into one of two categories in the month of February. The first category is what I like to call the Bitter Betty category.

You might be a Bitter Betty if:

• You call Valentines day, “Single Awareness Day”.

• You roll your eyes more this month than any other time of year.

• You declare to everyone you know that you are going to “skip” the holiday this year and pretend it never existed.

• You gain more weight this time of year because you eat a pound of chocolate every other day.

• You are a self proclaimed “Single Independent Woman who needs no man!”

…you get the idea…

The other category you may fall into is what I like to call Sappy Suzie.

You might be a Sappy Suzie if:

• You watch every single sappy chick-flick ever known to man in the entire month of February.

• You ‘Ooo’ and ‘Ahh’ over every cute couple that walks by.

• You make it known to everyone how you wish you had a date for Valentine’s Day.

• You cry and wallow in self-pity all month wishing you had a honey to shower you with gifts.

• You have an entire fantasy in your head of what life is going to be like when your dream guy steps into your life, sees you for the first time, and falls madly in love with you

…you get the idea…

If I’m honest, I have fit into both of these categories throughout different seasons of my life. BUT, I am starting to question if there is another option. Do we have to fit into one of these two categories as godly single women?

I want to suggest that we need to look for something different this February. And really, it’s not that we need to look for something, it’s that we need to look for someone. My challenge is for us to look for a Single Satisfaction in our Savior Jesus.

Jesus states in John 6:35, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.”

Why would we ever want anything but Jesus? He should be our single satisfaction. Those who come to Him shall never thirst or hunger again. I don’t know about you, but I want some of that!

In John 4, we see this same imagery of thirst when Jesus is speaking to the woman at the well. He tells her in verses 13 and 14, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

You see, Jesus satisfies us for eternity. It isn’t just a temporary thing. Relationships come and go. People disappoint us. Things disappoint us. But Jesus…He satisfies for eternity.

Louie Giglio said this at a Passion Conference:

“I want to invite you tonight to run with everything you’ve got into the embrace of Jesus Christ, to know that He will meet you there, to taste and see that the Lord is good, and to unite your heart to His in a love affair with the King of all creation, because here’s why… Our satisfaction and God’s glory are the same thing. Your satisfaction [means] God doing something in you that no one else can do. [It is] you getting what you need – you getting connected to God, filled, blessed, healed, restored, redeemed, alive, freed, put your own words around it…God is into you. You should be into God. And when you get into the God who’s inviting you to be into Him, you will then become satisfied in Him. Then He’ll be the thing glorified in your life.”

My question for us is this: Is God being glorified in and through your life based on your satisfaction in Him?

Whether you are a Bitter Betty or a Sappy Suzie, I want you to examine your heart. Where are you trying to put your satisfaction? Are you trying to satisfy the desires of your heart with a relationship? Are you trying to be satisfied by the fantasies of your mind? Are you looking for satisfaction in the fact that you are too independent to need anyone?

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” –John Piper

Marlana is an online student at SEBTS. She is currently working on her M.Div. in Women’s Studies. She is a Girls Ministry Director to Middle High and College age girls in a church in GA. She loves driving down country roads, going to the beach, and loving on her nieces and nephew. Her passion is teaching, discipling, and loving on teenage girls. Marlana is also the founder, administrator, and editor for OurSinglePurpose.com.

Sometimes we plan things and things go nothing like we planned! This summer has been case and point for that type of planning! 

I decided in April that I was going to move home for the summer and live with my parents so that I could serve at my home church and live life with the students there while they are out of school. I had been home for the summer a couple years back and mostly served my family and worked in our home, due to health issues with my mother. But this summer, I was going to take care of that ahead of time! I planned it all out, sat down with my parents, and asked them if I could live at home for the summer and their home be my base to serve out of. I made clear that I would not be at home as much as previous summers, and I would be able to help some, but that would not be my primary task for the summer. Can you see where this is going?! Looking back this is quite humorous! It must have been to my Heavenly Father who sees the whole timeline of our lives.

Within a few days of being home for the summer, I began to see that I was going to be serving my family more than I had originally anticipated. I was pretty okay with this at first.  That next week, I would have a whole week to myself to jump start my summer of ministry while my parents were away at the beach. Then one afternoon, my grandmother called and was headed to the hospital because she was really sick. Everything changed at that point, including my attitude! My plans had been thrown out the window! And without asking me!!  My first step of progress was to tell a friend, “I realize this is what God had planned for this week of my summer, but I DON’T LIKE IT!” 

Such honesty in the face of God’s Word quickly humbled me. I was aware of God’s loving discipline to his children for sinful attitudes of self-centeredness and complaining. God began to patiently teach me of his plans for me.  

Has my desire been to truly serve God or to tell God how I want to serve him?  To truly serve God is not writing out a description and restrictions on how I will serve him. 

My summer has not been what I’ve expected, but what great truth God has taught me about what serving God truly is! I have still been able to invest in the students’ lives like I had hoped, but that has been through real life-on-life discipleship. Those girls have seen my struggles and my failures! They have come over to a messy house with interruptions during our times together to care for the needs of my family. They have served with me. We have run errands and gone grocery shopping together. But honestly what better way to make disciples than truly living life together and seeing Christ has the center of it all! 

We are all in different phases of life! I am single but have a family with lots of needs due to prolonged sickness and changing circumstances. Many women have full-time jobs, are wives or moms, and have full, busy schedules that we try to control and plan. How much greater is our God than we are to plan our days! We expected to serve God in one way, but God had other plans. We can rejoice together in that God has a plan and a great purpose for everyday of our lives! Oh and what a joy that His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and his ways are higher than our ways! 

Katie Kasey is a 2+2 (International Church Planting M-Div) student at Southeastern. God has given Katie the privilege of serving Him at North Henderson Baptist Church in Henderson, NC. She is excitedly preparing to serve God overseas with the IMB. Katie’s family is one of her greatest joys in life. She loves being a new aunt! She also loves using photography to encourage others and promote God’s glory among all people.

          We had been waiting just under four years for the moment when we finally stepped onto foreign soil, into the place we only knew from stories, books and others’ experiences.  Our first days in the Middle East were the typical honeymoon full of new smells, new sights, new tastes, and we loved every minute.  It was only after meeting with my mentor the first time that I began to realize this journey would be a whole new experience in my walk with God.  She told me hesitantly that every person or family she has known 20 years on the field, dealt with some sort of tragedy their first term.  I took this news but stashed it away, secretly hoping she would be wrong about us. 

            We started language; begin to set up house and adjust culturally.  Our first modular class started seven weeks after arrival and we reluctantly headed to Prague.  We traveled with minimal luggage fully expecting to travel, sight-see and return home in two weeks, until we received the call that our team was being evacuated and we were to meet them in a nearby country.  We all waited, thinking we would be home soon, but the weeks turned to months, months a year, until 16 months later we made the journey back home. 

            I faced many days of uncertainty, emotional lows and moments when thoughts I never imagined were possible ran through my head.   As I walked through the fog, what began to emerge was a theme of constant provision.  When that light dawned I soon realized, that this first term was not a reward for having finally “made it”, but I was in the cauldron, being tested, refined and honed.  I found that through each new circumstance, God began to show me things I needed to learn or things that were important, not so that I could simply survive the first term, but how to thrive and be ready and willing to hop back on the plane for a second term.  I have heard the sad statistics of so many young families leaving after just one or two terms and I wanted to know why.  Surely, the emotions I felt were not new and they too struggled with the highs and lows of culture adjustment, language, company quirks etc.  My mentor kept telling me that this race was a marathon not a sprint and as I repeated this mantra, the light started to dawn.  If I wanted to succeed not just survive, I needed to open my eyes and learn.  The learning didn’t finish when we left the safe green of SEBTS; it only began. These are some of the lessons I have been learning since entering this new mission field.

            1.  A Quiet Pain – An Offering to the One who Sees and Knows

                        I had endless opportunities to gripe, whine and complain.  The downward spiral into negativity happens quickly like a flash flood.  Learning to seek God above all else, regardless of my circumstances and letting go of my own expectations, resulted in growth, but there were many nights I simply poured my tears out to the One who sees.  I had to learn to trust that He was holding the plan and my pain in his hands.  While waiting to hear from Him, I read good books such as “Calm my Anxious Heart” by Linda Dillow,  “The Art of Divine Contentment” by Thomas Watson, “The Hiding Place” by Corrie Ten Boom and “Unbroken” by Leslie Hildebrand.  I also prayed and fasted a lot and diligently read through the bible each day.  There were days it may have been a rote exercise, but I am confident that God’s word never returns void and even in the dryness, His words were healing balm to my soul.  By releasing my pain to God, He reminded me of His daily presence, provision and passion.  Even my most difficult moments became an offering lifted up. 

                        There was much temptation as well, to yell my pain from the rooftops, whether from frustration over yet another report due, irritating Internet connection or lack of real vanilla and chocolate chips.  What I discovered though was that the more I shared these burdens with others, the more I was weighing them down.  Everyone is struggling with their own weights and challenges, learning to be sensitive to their pain enabled me to love them more deeply and in return I turned to the only One who can really carry my burden and lighten my load.  My friends, my family, all have their own battles and mine may weigh them down beyond what they can bear.  Not only did I realize how to love them better but also I learned how to rely on God above all else.  Of course we need people in our lives and letting them in is a delicate balance that requires discernment and wisdom.  As you wisely share and others see you struggle, this will encourage them as well.  Learn to comfort others even if this seems unnatural.  You should be speaking truth into their lives not just complaining.  They may be struggling with the same things.  I had to learn in all circumstances how to be content, how to pour myself out to the King and how my pain could be used and shared appropriately.  “A contented heart is never out of heart. Contentment is a golden shield that beats back discouragements.”~ Thomas Watson

            2.  A Constant Adjustment – Living the Fluid Life

                        Sometimes your plans just don’t work out.  We all know this, but when it starts to happen to every plan, it leaves you wondering, scheming up new plans and even questioning if you remember correctly the first plan you had.  What I am coming to discover over time and through many mistakes is that God’s plan is the plan.  One step at a time, I am learning to become completely fluid in releasing myself to accept, revere and quit struggling against it.  His plan will be fulfilled whether you fight against it or be still and worship through it. 

                        After reading a book titled, “Crucial Conversations” my husband likes to constantly remind me to check the “story” I am telling myself.  Basically that means that in my flesh, I am a master at manipulating and changing plans.  When things turn sour, my first instinct is to tell myself a story of what, why and how we got to this place and then work diligently to readjust the plan.  But living the fluid life means riding the waves and thinking critically about how to do that, not insisting that there is a shark chasing you and then paddling like crazy for the shore.  If I want to see clearly, I have to use the logic God gave me and sometimes that means stuffing those emotions aside and taking a critical look at the story or lie I am believing in that moment.  There were many things in my plan that God changed or moved to direct me on to a new path but there were also emotions that came along with those movements.  Many times, my emotions blinded me to the truth until I removed the blinders and focused on the logic of where God was taking me.  He has always been more interested in my relationship with him, purging me to make me more like Christ than my desire to be comfortable. 

Here is a look at the other lessons I am learning that I will be sharing in future blog posts.
Hope to see you there!

            3.  A Tight Lip – Look, Listen and Feel, Leading by Example

            4.  A New View – Never Assume

            5.  A New Worship – The One on the Pedestal

            6.  A Better Plan – His!

            7.  A Tight Rope Life – How to do it all and survive

            8.  A Second Honeymoon – Living with your Spouse Cross-Culturally

            9.  A Surer Foundation – Rock vs Sand

            10.  A Living Hope – Filling your Jar

 Amy Lynn* has been married to her husband for 15 years.  He graduated last May from SEBTS with an MDIV in International Church Planting.  They are currently serving in the Middle East.  They have 4 children, ages 13, 11, 5 and 2.  Amy Lynn enjoys reading, writing and working out when she is not studying Arabic or visiting friends. 
*Name has been changed to ensure protection for our contributor.