Today’s blog post is post from Sarah Woods, a new addition to the Women’s Life family. If you are looking for another book to add to your New Year Resolution Reading List, check out her review of Linda Dillow’s What’s it like to be Married to Me?
We are usually well aware of our spouse’s flaws and weaknesses. Most of us could easily name something our husband does that we find annoying. Maybe we have even attempted to change his behavior by reasoning or pleading with him, to no avail.
When we become so focused on changing him, we can forget that we have flaws and sinful habits as well.
As seminary wives, we may be quick to affirm the doctrine of sin and the fact that we are sinners, but how often do we take the time to consider the specific ways in which we sin? Have you ever looked at things from your spouse’s point of view and asked
“What is it like to be married to me?”
In Linda Dillow’s book What’s it like to me Married to Me? she challenges us to ponder this and other “dangerous” questions. We are asked to question
* What’s it like to make love with me?
* What is it like to go through times of suffering with me?
* And why does it seem so much easier to hold on to anger than to forgive?
The best part about this book is that it’s written in an honest and extremely practical manner. After reading many theologically heavy books about marriage, this was a refreshing change of pace that still packed a Biblical punch. The liberal use of anecdotes makes it an interesting and quick read. I also really appreciated her distinction between a goal and a desire.
A GOAL is something we want to change that we also have the power to change.
A DESIRE is something we want but can’t control.
This distinction helps us focus our effort on changing things we can control (such as our own behavior), rather than trying to “fix” something we can’t control, such as our husband’s behavior.
Four words of caution:
1) The book does contain some detailed discussion of sexual matters, so I would not recommend this for women who are not yet married.
2) When discussing the importance of love and respect from Ephesians 5, she uses the language of “love gap” which is similar to Gary Chapman’s concept of a love “tank.” Love and respect are very important, but they are not tanks or gaps which must be filled. (Though Mrs. Dillow did recover from this later by emphasizing that we should respect our husbands because God’s Word commands it, regardless of whether or not they are filling our “love gaps” in return.)
3) The chapter on forgiveness may be misleading. Dillow presents forgiveness mainly as a one-time decision, neglecting that forgiveness may also be a process. Many deep hurts require entering a battle, continuously re-surrendering the hurt to God, and renewing our minds with Scripture. A person who tries to forgive with a simple one-time decision may become frustrated if their anger and bitterness return later. That’s why it’s important to understand forgiveness as both an event and a process.
4) Several anecdotes may over-emphasize the responsibility of the wife in the marital problems. While keeping in mind that the point of the book is to consider the log in our own eye before worrying about the speck in our husband’s eyes, sometimes our husbands have their own sin issues that God must convict them of. For example, one of the stories told of a husband who had become enslaved to pornography. The wife felt that God’s answer to this problem was to become more sexually available to him. From this anecdote, one might mistakenly conclude that it was the wife’s fault that her husband had fallen into sin and that she could fix his problem by changing her actions. On the contrary, her husband was responsible for his sinful choices and the problem could only be fixed by God’s intervention and the husband’s repentance. (This concern only applied in very few instances.)
However, even after noting these considerations and cautions, I wholeheartedly recommend the book.
What’s it like to be Married to Me? is a great resource, especially if you are experiencing marital conflict, a stubborn grudge, intimacy issues, or emotional distance.
It would also be helpful if you want to take an already-good marriage to the next level.
I consider my marriage to be healthy and happy, but I was still convicted about some things I could change.
I definitely recommend this book
if you are woman enough to handle it.
If you are really brave, you could walk through the book with some friends as a 10-12 week bible study.
{What's it like to be Married to Me? is available in the Women's Life Office library, if you would like to come by to check it out!}
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