K.J. Nally's blog, Answers of Truth
Oct. 6, 2011
When my
heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my
right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into
glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides
you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my
portion forever.
Every month was a physical reminder of what
happened. Every month my emotions warred against my heart of what I knew to be
Truth. Why wasn’t this easier? And why did each month seem to force me on an
emotional roller coaster? I felt God’s presence in midst of the storm…why did
He seem so far off now? Yet, I know He is beside me, guiding me, holding me up
by my right arm. His Word promises He will never leave. He always seeks His glory
and the good of those who love Him. Yes,
I know that is Truth…help me Lord to believe it.
These words from Psalm 73 are salve to the
broken soul. Honestly, it’s been a tough year. My flesh failed me and then my
heart was broken in a million pieces.
On Sunday, October 2nd it would
have been our little baby's due date. Lil’ Bean we called him. I was 9 weeks
pregnant when I had a miscarriage—my flesh failed.
The Story of Lil’ Bean
Nine weeks went by and I was feeling so good.
We joked that maybe there wasn’t a baby in my “belly” because I didn’t feel
pregnant. Sure, I was tired and ate everything in sight, but I felt great.
Excitedly, we arrived at the doctor…it would be Lil’ Bean’s First Picture
(ultrasound). As we sat in the room waiting for the doctor, we gave each other
a high five and then pumped the air three times toward Heaven, giving God three
high fives because this was His perfect work, not ours. We had determined from
the first day God blessed us with our baby to have “open hands.” This was God’s
little one, entrusted to us to raise Him to be a worshiper of God. The doctor
came in and talked for awhile about what to expect and hospital protocol—then
it was time for “Baby’s First Picture.”
Silence. This isn’t what an ultrasound was
supposed to look like, I thought. Where was my baby? The picture was white with
only a small black circle. No heart beat. The doctor didn’t need to say
anything, we knew. And our hearts broke. The doctor left the room after a short
explanation of what would happen over the next few days. She told me not to
blame myself. But, in that moment as my world spun out of control I couldn’t
stop the thoughts. I wept in my husband’s strong arms. Slowly I met his gaze
and said, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” He knew what I meant and grabbed my
tear stained face. “Don’t you dare go there,” he sternly warned. “Don’t you
dare take credit for what God is doing.” I knew the truth…God was in control,
He was faithful, and He was good. But,
could I believe that in this moment?
Yes. I could.
When we lost our baby, we cried to the point
of exhaustion. It was so sweet falling in love with our first child. It gave us
a small glimpse of how God loves us and how His heart must break when people
die before knowing their Father; miscarried for eternity. The day after we lost
our baby, I prayed to God for strength to praise Him even when I hurt so
deeply. I have never felt the nearness of my Lord like I did in the midst of
this pain. And even when I felt emotionally drained and spiritually broken the
months that followed, He gave me the strength to praise Him even through the
pain. You can read the prayer I wrote to God after the miscarriage here.
We still have moments of sadness of what
could have been, but we must remind ourselves of truth; preach to ourselves. The truth is that God is good. He is in absolute control for His glory and our best.
What
do we do with pain and trials…When God seems far, how do we continue holding
onto our faith?
We must
TRUST.
“Trust
in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal” (Isaiah
24:6).
Trust that God is true and His
Word is Truth (Ps. 53:1; Col. 1:15-23; 1 Tim. 3:16-17; Heb. 4:12).
Trust that God loves his children
more than we can fathom (1 Jn 3:1; 1 Jn. 4:19; Rom. 8:38-39).
Trust that God wants the best for
us, just as any parent does on earth…though He is much wiser (Rom. 8:28-30; 2
Pt. 1:2-10; Jer. 17:8).
Trust that God’s way brings Him
the most glory (Ps. 19:1; Ps. 108:4-6; Lk. 2:14).
Trust that God never leaves us
alone in pain, but holds our hand and walks with us (Ps. 90:10; Deut. 31:6; Heb.
13:5).
Trust that God will one day take
all pain away when we are with Him in eternity (Jn. 16:33; Jn. 10:10; Rev.
21:4).
Trust that God is good…ALL the
time! (Ps. 84; Ps. 73:1; Mk. 10:18).
My pain-filled emotions were good, just not trustworthy. I had to constantly go back to Truth - that these trials are making me more like Jesus for the glory of God!
How great is the
love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!
And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1
Know God
intimately…before a trial hits. Do not blame God or turn from Him in anger, but
cling to the one who died for you so that He could comfort you forever in eternity.
David said in Psalm 90:10, “Those who know your name will trust in you, for
you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”
Seek Him
friends…Trust Him…see that He is good, even (and especially) in times of pain.
These words from J. C. Ryle have
brought me much encouragement:
“Reader,
if God has given you His only begotten Son, beware of doubting His kindness and
love, in any painful providence of your daily life! Never allow yourself to
think hard thoughts of God. Never suppose that He can give you anything which
is not really for your good. Remember the words of Paul: ‘He who spared not His
own Son—but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely
give us all things’ (Romans 8:32).
See in every sorrow and trouble of
your earthly pilgrimage the hand of Him who gave Christ to die for your sins!
That hand can never smite you except in love! He who gave His only begotten Son
for you, will never withhold anything from you which is really for your good.
Lean back on this thought and be content. Say to yourself in the darkest hour
of trial, ‘This also is ordered by Him who gave Christ to die for my sins. It
cannot be wrong. It is done in love. It must be well.’"
John 16:33 says, “I have told you
these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have
trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Amen!
K.J. Nally is a writer, teacher, and counselor. She is
pursuing her master’s degree in Biblical Counseling, concentrating in women's
ministry from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. K.J. and her husband,
Dustin, have a passion to fight for Godly marriages, spur on teens to seek
purity, and encourage men and women to live obediently to their Creator God.
K.J. and Dustin are marriage and individual counselors at
Hope Counseling Center through their church, North Wake. They also work with
Converting Hearts Ministries,’ a Christ-centered addictions ministry.
K.J. is also a freelance journalist. Check out more about
Christian Living at K.J.’s blog, Answers
of Truth.
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