Today I am sharing a personal story. A journey of faith, hurt,
and confusion. To understand this journey you have to know a few things about
me. First, I am a perfectionist to the core. I feel the need to do everything
above and beyond and to the best of my ability. I see doing things with
excellence as a virtue. The problem for me is my view of perfection is
unattainable and becomes a crippling force in my life. Second, I have the
inability to say “no.” I love people, and I love serving people and although I
serve with the best of intentions I can quickly become the “Yes person” in
everyone’s life. I stretch myself thin and strive to be perfect in all these
areas. All this leads to a tired and stressed out girl, but this pace of life
has been a main stay in my life for as long as I remember. I don’t rest well. I
don’t relax well. I don’t have any hobbies.
I don’t give that introduction to say poor me, I give it so
you can know where I am coming from when I say this year the Lord turned my
life upside down in a way I never expected or was prepared for. After months of
being physically sick from different illnesses my body, mind, and spirit had
reached its threshold. I had pushed myself past the brink of return.
2012 was welcomed in by a girl who no longer had it all
together, put on the smile, and said yes to everyone. Instead New Years Day
gave way to a frightened woman who was timid in her choices and hesitated to
leave the comforts of her own home. A woman who before had craved social
interaction now became anxious in large crowds. A woman who before loved fine
dining like she was a food critic now had a panic attack at the moment she
entered a restaurant.
It is hard to explain when anxiety takes control in your
life. For me, it came on like a strong wind out of the stillest night. Without
warning and without invitation my thoughts and emotions became overtaken by the
strong hand of fear and panic. There were days that were so dark it took my
breath away. After stumbling for weeks to even find my footing I sought help
from doctors, counselors, and friends. That first step towards asking for help
was so scary. I had convinced myself that these feeling I was having were wrong
and that I was the only person who had this problem. The shame was an inherent
response.
Please hear me dear friend, if I had not taken that first
step out of shame I would still be wallowing in it. That was the hardest first
step but it was also the most beneficial. Through months of tearing down the
walls of misconception in my own heart I found power in sharing my burdens and
in the amazing help that was given to me. The Lord provided in abundance of
people who loved me in my darkness but didn’t allow me to stay there. I am grateful for those individuals who spoke
truth into my despair. And although the anxiety is not gone, I am able to carry
it with me instead of being crushed under its power.
A passage of scripture that was so comforting to me during
this time was Romans 4:18-25 where Abraham’s faith is being described. It says:
In hope against hope he believed, so that he might become a father of many nations according to that which had been spoken, "SO SHALL YOUR DESCENDANTS BE." Without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah's womb; yet, with respect to the promised of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able to perform. Therefore IT WAS ALSO CREDITED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS. Now not for his sake only was it written that it was credited to him, but for our sake also, to whom it will be credited, as those who believe in Him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead, He who was delivered over because of our transgressions, and was raised because of our justification.
I felt like Abraham, hoping against hope.
Here my body was going against me and creating turmoil like it had a life of
its own. It was hard to believe the promises of God when everything I was
feeling and experiencing seemed contradictory. But then that phrase rang true
in my heart “being fully assured that what God has promised, He was able also
to perform.” Thank you Lord that when hope seems hopeless you are able to
perform what you have promised. This verse gave me the strength to start
clinging to the promises of God from His Word and believing that they could be
so; not by my own might but by Him who is in me.
I write this to share my story. I write this to give the
ultimate Comforter praise and glory. I write this to tell you dear sister that
you are not alone and you are not crazy. I write this to break the silence in
the Christian community. I write this to dispel the shame. I write this to open
a dialogue. I write this to tell you there is hope.
The Lord has opened my eyes and my heart in these last few
months to His grace that is sufficient for every day and to a better
understanding of submitting to His will in His timing. I am not anxiety free,
and I may never be, but I am learning to pray… God EVEN IF You chose to never
remove this thorn in my flesh, my heart will still praise you and my hands and
feet will still serve you.
What about you friend? Are you living in a darkness that
takes your breath away?
Look up. Reach out. Believe God. Don’t walk this darkness
alone.
Lindsey Amick is a youth pastor’s wife and a staff
member of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. Originally from South
Carolina she loves all things southern. Lindsey has a heart for teenagers and ministering
to families. In her spare time she tries to be a crafty and energetic
housewife, however in ministry spare time is an anomaly. She is learning right
now the art of being still, trusting, and enjoying the joy of the journey. You
can follow her blog momentsofzoe-lou.blogspot.com.
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