K.J. Nally's blog, Answers of Truth
Oct. 6, 2011

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 

Every month was a physical reminder of what happened. Every month my emotions warred against my heart of what I knew to be Truth. Why wasn’t this easier? And why did each month seem to force me on an emotional roller coaster? I felt God’s presence in midst of the storm…why did He seem so far off now? Yet, I know He is beside me, guiding me, holding me up by my right arm. His Word promises He will never leave. He always seeks His glory and the good of those who love Him. Yes, I know that is Truth…help me Lord to believe it.

 These words from Psalm 73 are salve to the broken soul. Honestly, it’s been a tough year. My flesh failed me and then my heart was broken in a million pieces. 

On Sunday, October 2^nd it would have been our little baby's due date. Lil’ Bean we called him. I was 9 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage—my flesh failed. 

The Story of Lil’ Bean

Nine weeks went by and I was feeling so good. We joked that maybe there wasn’t a baby in my “belly” because I didn’t feel pregnant. Sure, I was tired and ate everything in sight, but I felt great. Excitedly, we arrived at the doctor…it would be Lil’ Bean’s First Picture (ultrasound). As we sat in the room waiting for the doctor, we gave each other a high five and then pumped the air three times toward Heaven, giving God three high fives because this was His perfect work, not ours. We had determined from the first day God blessed us with our baby to have “open hands.” This was God’s little one, entrusted to us to raise Him to be a worshiper of God. The doctor came in and talked for awhile about what to expect and hospital protocol—then it was time for “Baby’s First Picture.”

Silence. This isn’t what an ultrasound was supposed to look like, I thought. Where was my baby? The picture was white with only a small black circle. No heart beat. The doctor didn’t need to say anything, we knew. And our hearts broke. The doctor left the room after a short explanation of what would happen over the next few days. She told me not to blame myself. But, in that moment as my world spun out of control I couldn’t stop the thoughts. I wept in my husband’s strong arms. Slowly I met his gaze and said, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” He knew what I meant and grabbed my tear stained face. “Don’t you dare go there,” he sternly warned. “Don’t you dare take credit for what God is doing.” I knew the truth…God was in control, He was faithful, and He was good. But, could I believe that in this moment?

Yes. I could.

When we lost our baby, we cried to the point of exhaustion. It was so sweet falling in love with our first child. It gave us a small glimpse of how God loves us and how His heart must break when people die before knowing their Father; miscarried for eternity. The day after we lost our baby, I prayed to God for strength to praise Him even when I hurt so deeply. I have never felt the nearness of my Lord like I did in the midst of this pain. And even when I felt emotionally drained and spiritually broken the months that followed, He gave me the strength to praise Him even through the pain. You can read the prayer I wrote to God after the miscarriage here.

We still have moments of sadness of what could have been, but we must remind ourselves of truth; preach to ourselves. The truth is that God is good. He is in absolute control for His glory and our best.

What do we do with pain and trials…When God seems far, how do we continue holding onto our faith? 

We must TRUST.

“Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal” (Isaiah 24:6).

Trust that God is true and His Word is Truth (Ps. 53:1; Col. 1:15-23; 1 Tim. 3:16-17; Heb. 4:12).

Trust that God loves his children more than we can fathom (1 Jn 3:1; 1 Jn. 4:19; Rom. 8:38-39).

Trust that God wants the best for us, just as any parent does on earth…though He is much wiser (Rom. 8:28-30; 2 Pt. 1:2-10; Jer. 17:8).

Trust that God’s way brings Him the most glory (Ps. 19:1; Ps. 108:4-6; Lk. 2:14).

Trust that God never leaves us alone in pain, but holds our hand and walks with us (Ps. 90:10; Deut. 31:6; Heb. 13:5).
Trust that God will one day take all pain away when we are with Him in eternity (Jn. 16:33; Jn. 10:10; Rev. 21:4).

Trust that God is good…ALL the time! (Ps. 84; Ps. 73:1; Mk. 10:18).

My pain-filled emotions were good, just not trustworthy. I had to constantly go back to Truth - that these trials are making me more like Jesus for the glory of God!

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1

Know God intimately…before a trial hits. Do not blame God or turn from Him in anger, but cling to the one who died for you so that He could comfort you forever in eternity. David said in Psalm 90:10, “Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”

Seek Him friends…Trust Him…see that He is good, even (and especially) in times of pain.

These words from J. C. Ryle have brought me much encouragement:

“Reader, if God has given you His only begotten Son, beware of doubting His kindness and love, in any painful providence of your daily life! Never allow yourself to think hard thoughts of God. Never suppose that He can give you anything which is not really for your good. Remember the words of Paul: ‘He who spared not His own Son—but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things’ (Romans 8:32).

See in every sorrow and trouble of your earthly pilgrimage the hand of Him who gave Christ to die for your sins! That hand can never smite you except in love! He who gave His only begotten Son for you, will never withhold anything from you which is really for your good. Lean back on this thought and be content. Say to yourself in the darkest hour of trial, ‘This also is ordered by Him who gave Christ to die for my sins. It cannot be wrong. It is done in love. It must be well.’"

John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Amen!

K.J. Nally is a writer, teacher, and counselor. She is pursuing her master’s degree in Biblical Counseling, concentrating in women's ministry from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. K.J. and her husband, Dustin, have a passion to fight for Godly marriages, spur on teens to seek purity, and encourage men and women to live obediently to their Creator God.

K.J. and Dustin are marriage and individual counselors at Hope Counseling Center through their church, North Wake. They also work with Converting Hearts Ministries,’ a Christ-centered addictions ministry.

K.J. is also a freelance journalist. Check out more about Christian Living at K.J.’s blog, Answers of Truth.

Trust.

I'm a mom now. They say once you become a mom you worry all the time. Well, they
weren't kidding. It's strange because I've never been one to worry. I'm usually the type
of person who goes with the flow and thinks that everything will work itself out.

Throughout my academic career I never worried that I would fail a class, I trusted that I
would get through college and grad school with no problem. I never worried about my
love life because I trusted that God would find the right husband for me. Even with
finances, no matter how broke we were, I always trusted we would have enough money
to pay the bills.

But now I look at my tiny baby boy and I worry. I stay up at night watching him sleep and
worrying that he's not breathing correctly. I worry about his health and development. I
worry if I'm being a good mother. Am I being the very best I can be? I worry about his
future. Will he love Jesus? Will he make good choices?

I have to stop myself and remember who is in control. I have to trust that God will have
grace on me and my shortcomings as a mother. I have to trust that God will protect my
son. I have to trust that no matter what happens, God is always in control and it is all a
part of His plan.

I'm learning to trust God in a whole new way...now that I'm a mom.

Kristel Acevedo lives in Denver, CO with her husband, Alex, and their son, Liam. They are members of The Summit Church - Denver. She is a graduate of Southeastern Seminary with a MA in Biblical Counseling and is now a stay-at-home mom.

Reblogged from Radical Womenhood
by Carolyn McCulley
April 6, 2007

A good friend of mine is undergoing serious surgery today, and I am understandably distracted in my concern for her. She is the subject of many prayers as she is deeply loved by many.

Her suffering is inexplicable in many ways, but I can testify that God has been using it. One of the most obvious fruits in her life is that she is not identified by her suffering, but rather by her passion for Christ. In fact, sometimes I have to remind myself that she is indeed seriously sick for she does not wear her illness as a badge.

We are praying to One who has known far more suffering and injustice. Jesus suffered incredible physical torture while being flogged and hung on the cross, nailed through fragile appendages and left to suffocate by the weight of His own body. But that must have paled in comparison to bearing the just punishment from the Father for the sins of those He came to save. The cross is the answer to that question we whisper in the dark night of the soul--"Why, God?" The cross is our justice for the grievous ways we've been sinned against, for God is not an unjust God. Sin will be punished: either it will be visited upon a Savior who was our sinless substitute, or it will be visited upon those who committed the sin.

Since we have all sinned and fall short of God's perfect standard, the cross is our glorious and divine rescue. What we could not atone for on our own has been paid for by our Lord Jesus Christ, for those who repent and trust Him for this awesome gift. Because mercy triumphs at the cross, it is also our greatest hope--especially in times of great trials or suffering.

That is my attempt to articulate the reason we celebrate Good Friday and why my friend can be joyful in the midst of tremendous suffering. But I've never found a more heart-wrenching portrait than that found in When God Weeps by Joni Eareckson Tada and Steven Estes. The first time I heard these words, they were read aloud in a sermon by my pastor, C.J. Mahaney. No one was dry-eyed by the end. It is a powerful recounting of what Scripture teaches us. For those of you who know the profound truth of this scene, may you rejoice in what has been done on your behalf. And if you are suffering, may this account refresh your faith. If, however, you have not yet put your trust in this divine exchange and repented of the sins that separate you from God, I pray that the Lord will open your eyes and heart, just as He did unexpectedly for me one Easter several years ago.

The Savior was now thrown to men quite different from the eleven. The face that Moses had begged to see--was forbidden to see--was slapped bloody (Exodus 33:19-20). The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth's rebellion now twisted around his own brow. His back, buttocks, and the rear of his legs felt the whip--soon they looked like the plowed Judean fields outside the city. . . .

"On your back with you!" One raises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldier's heart must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner's wrist. Someone must sustain the soldier's life minute by minute, for no man has this power on his own. Who supplies breath to his lungs? Who gives energy to his cells? Who holds his molecules together? Only by the Son do "all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17). The victim wills that the soldier live on--he grants the warrior's continued existence. The man swings. . . .

But these pains are a mere warm-up to his other and growing dread. He begins to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during this day an unearthly foul odor began to waft, not around his nose, but his heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawl upon his spotless being--the living excrement from our souls. The apple of his Father's eye turns brown with rot.

His Father! He must face his Father like this!
From heaven the Father now rouses himself like a lion disturbed, shakes his mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on a cross. Never has the Son seen the Father look at him so, never felt even the least of his hot breath. But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky. The Son does not recognize these eyes.

"Son of Man! Why have you behaved so? You have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped--murdered, envied, hated, lied. You have cursed, robbed, overspent, overeaten--fornicated, disobeyed, embezzled, and blasphemed. Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned! Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name? Have you ever held your razor tongue? What a self-righteous, pitiful drunk--you, who molest young boys, peddle killer drugs, travel in cliques, and mock your parents. Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, foment revolutions, torture animals, and worship demons? Does the list never end! Splitting families, raping virgins, acting smugly, playing the pimp--buying politicians, practicing extortion, filming pornography, accepting bribes. You have burned down buildings, perfected terrorist tactics, founded false religions, traded in slaves--relishing each morsel and bragging about it all. I hate, I loathe these things in you! Disgust for everything about you consumes me! Can you not feel my wrath?"

The Father watches as his heart's treasure, the mirror-image of himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah's stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.

"Father! Father! Why have you forsaken me?!"

But heaven stops its ears. The Son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply. Two eternal hearts tear--their intimate friendship shaken to the depths.
The Trinity had planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled him. The Father rejected the Son whom he loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted his sacrifice for sin and was satisfied. The Rescue was accomplished. . .

This is who asks us to trust him when he calls on us to suffer.