Reblogged from The Resurgence 

Jen Smidt

I recently came across a 20-year-old photo of Phil and me when we were dating. I started thinking about how very little I knew about relationships, men, and marriage then.

Formulating a list of what I would tell myself back then, my advice began with a stern warning to stay away from any man with a mullet . . . but then again, it was the ’90s—every man had a mullet!
On a more serious note, these are eight principles that would have taken much confusion and heartbreak out of those tumultuous dating years. I hope they help you:

1. Repeat after me: “You are loved.” 

 

I am not kidding. Repeat. After. Me. Out loud, often, with conviction. These are such simple words to say, but they have the most deep and resounding impact on our souls if we would just believe.
God says to his daughters in Jeremiah: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you." Until you have tasted God’s eternal, steadfast, redeeming love, hold off on looking for a man. You may just end up settling for a quick love that cannot fill your core heart’s longing. Even if you are not currently being pursued by a man, you are constantly being pursued by Jesus.

2. You are less beautiful than you think and more beautiful than you believe.

 

Our sin makes us ugly. No amount of makeup, clothing, or confident, flirtatious façade can change that fact. It takes a humble, redeemed woman changed by God to admit the ugliness of her sin and rest in her beauty in Christ. We must repent of our pride, our shame, our obsession with our looks. We must believe and embrace who God made us to be: beautiful in his image.

True beauty emanates from a woman who boldly and unabashedly knows who she is in Christ.

3. Consider what controls you.

 

Is it fear, loneliness, demand for a man, seeking approval, career, money?
Let the love of Christ control you. Pay attention to what is controlling your heart as you wait for a date, are in a dating relationship, or even into marriage. We settle for lesser gods than the one who died for us and love us unconditionally.

“For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who might live no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” 2 Corinthians 5:14–15

4. Address your daddy issues.

 

Most of us have them—wounds on our hearts from our earthly fathers and their shortcomings. Whether yours was absent and uninvolved or abusive and abandoning, don’t let him define who you believe your heavenly Father to be. Even if you have a godly and protective father, he is not God.
You are not looking for a dad-duplicate or a dad-replacement in a man. You have a perfect heavenly Father.

Let Scripture reveal to you who God is as Dad and what kind of care he gives his daughters.

"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:13

5. Charm and beauty are not a good dating plan.

 

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

Often, our grand scheme for how to snag a date goes only skin-deep. We put massive pressure on ourselves to pour on the charm and look cute wherever we go, not realizing that a godly man will also be concerned about inner beauty. God certainly is.

"But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." 1 Peter 3:4

A woman who fears the Lord is one who, despite her desire for a date, fears being far away from God more than she does missing out on a man who is easily fooled by her exterior.

6. Realize you are already submitting—or are you?

 

Submission is not only for wives. God asks for a submitted heart now, one that trusts in his provision and plan for your life, including dating. Ultimately, dating, and all of life, is about submission—waiting and trusting God and saying as Jesus does, “Not my will but yours be done.”
This does not, however, leave you helpless, hopeless, and hamstrung in the relationship department. A godly woman can express friendly interest in a brother in Christ.

• It is OK to mingle—but don’t manipulate.
• Peruse—but don’t pursue. Let him initiate.
• Take notice of the godly men serving Jesus around you—but never stalk. It’s creepy.
• Cross paths with a man who interests you—but don’t tackle him.

 

7. Dress to kill . . .

 

. . . your evil desires and his. We all know what it’s like to be noticed for what we wear. Your desire to draw attention to yourself is vanity. Do not falsely advertise what is not available to anyone but your future husband. Don’t open the door for men to make assumptions about you by what you wear. Help your brothers in Christ by dressing modestly and appropriately (and by all means, neatly, cleanly, and fashionably!) Check your heart for your motives when you dress.

8. Guard your heart.

 

Guarding one’s heart is still an issue even if no one is overtly vying for it.  Watch out for the “might be” snare, as in, "He 'might be' flirting with me and so I’m going to get carried away thinking about every possible place [read: marriage] that could lead."
It is entirely possible to honor God, yourself, and a brother in Christ on a date. Don’t elevate him or the relationship to the place that God alone should hold in your heart. Enjoy, don’t idolize . . . and for goodness sake, relax! A cup of coffee does not necessarily mean a diamond ring is soon to follow.

As a single woman, give your heart fully, wholly, unabashedly, and devotedly to Christ alone.

Be active, vigilant, and careful about how much of your heart you give to a man. Be able to walk away from a dating relationship with your whole heart intact so that your future husband is not robbed of part of it down the road. Prayerfully consider what, when, how much to give away.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

 Jen Smidt is the wife of Pastor Phil Smidt and is a deacon at Mars Hill Church involved in teaching and counseling couples and women.  They have been members at Mars Hill since its inception and have 3 children.

 Reblogged from Our Single Purpose
 May 14, 2012

I have a confession..my hopes is that by confessing this, some of you will confess this along with me and help me feel a little less embarrassed. Ok-here is my confession. Almost every time I used to see a guy, I immediately would judge him in every way possible to determine within the first 3 min whether or not he is my potential husband.
Maybe it is just my strong desire to be married, or maybe it’s my critical judgmental ways, but I can be anywhere and subconsciously be looking for my husband. I can be in church and meet a guy for the first time, or be in a doctors office and make eye contact with the guy in the waiting room, or even be in my car and look at the guy stopped beside me at the red light and immediately decide if he is the one for me! It’s amazing how fast my brain works as soon as I see that there isn’t a ring on his finger! Of course I determine how good he looks-is he attractive? Then I notice how he dresses-does he take care of himself? Then I notice his smile-does he have a good personality? All of these things can drive a girl crazy-especially if you are trying to meet and talk to a guy for the first time! All within the first few min, I can write a guy off just by these stupid subconscious judgmental thoughts because he doesn’t meet my “standards” of my future husband. Looking back, I think I have been this way for a long time! Am I alone in this?

The Lord has totally made me aware of this very stupid thing over the past couple of years. He has even helped me see how I have ruined some great possible guy friendships in the past, all because of this problem I seem to have. One of the biggest lessons I have learned, and boy do I wish I had learned it a lot sooner, is to look at the guys in my lives as BROTHERS IN CHRIST.

Scripture says in Hebrews 10:24-25,

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. “

My question is this: why should this Scripture only apply to our sisters in Christ? We have a responsibility to encourage and love our brothers, just as much as we do our sisters! Now I realize this should be done with caution, as to avoid unnecessary common sense problems, but with a bit of sense, this should not be hard for us. Maybe it’s just me, but, getting this concept has not been easy. I have to remind myself all the time, to get over this subconscious obsession of finding a husband, and remember that these guys are first and foremost my brothers in Christ. Let me testify that this has literally changed my relationships with guys!

I want to challenge you to examine your own life. How do you internally respond when meeting a guy for the first time? Do you instantly judge him as a “potential” or do you see him as a brother. Do you automatically write guys out of your life if they don’t meet your criteria or standards for a husband? How can we as sisters in Christ better encourage and love our single brothers in Christ?

Marlana is a 20 something living in the sunny state of Florida. She loves driving down country roads, going to the beach, and loving on her nieces and nephew. She is currently working on her M.Div. in Women’s Studies at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. She loves Jesus and desires to teach and disciple teenage girls and women in the Word of God. Marlana is the visionary for this blog and prays that this will be an encouragement to all.

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Are you interested in taking BWI classes?  If so, this fall is a great time to start!  

Check out the courses that will be available below. 

New Testament Book Study  

This course will be verse by verse expositional/exegetical study of a book of the New Testament. The course will include a survey of interpretive methods with regard to biblical studies.  Also included in the course will be an introduction to theological interpretation. Key components of the book and the book’s theological contribution to the Biblical canon will be covered.

Biblical Foundations for the Minister’s Wife 

A practical survey of issues relating to the role of the minister’s wife. This class is directed primarily toward pastors’ wives, current and potential.
Thursday Evenings, 7-9pm

Dr. and Mrs. Danny Akin

Biblical Theology of Womanhood  

This course will examine biblical passages and concepts regarding God’s unique and consistent plan for women. Biblical Theology of Womanhood is designed to highlight the patterns of biblical femininity and to provide resources for implementing the Scriptures into the lives of women of today.

Counseling Women 

The course objectives for this class will be to think about life/problems/solutions in biblical categories, to develop basic tools for biblical counseling, and to be able to evaluate “Christian counseling” and self-help materials from a biblical perspective. The class will also learn more about the field of counseling and its vast resources for further self-education and personal ministry to women.

Church History  

An introduction to key historical events and figures that shaped the belief and practice of Christianity throughout the centuries.

Intro to Missions  

This course is designed to introduce women to God’s global mission and the biblical, theological, historical, and practical bases for their participation in His mission.

Spiritual Disciplines The purpose of this course is to integrate sound teaching with sound methodology regarding the spiritual disciplines in the hopes of increasing the wonder of personal and corporate worship as well as motivate vital engagement in the mission of our faith.

Preparing for Missions 

This course is designed to offer women biblical and practical preparation for living and ministering on the mission field, with special attention to a specific region of the world.

Old Testament Book Study  

This course will be verse by verse expositional/exegetical study of a book of the Old Testament. The course will include a survey of interpretive methods with regard to biblical studies.  Also included in the course will be an introduction to theological interpretation. Key components of the book and the book’s theological contribution to the Biblical canon will be covered.

Baptist Identity  

This course will provide a very basic orientation to key issues in Baptist History and Identity.

Christian Faith and the Arts 

This course will help women learn how to think about the arts (music, film, literature, painting, architecture) from a Christian perspective. Questions to be considered in this course include: How do the Christian faith and the arts relate? How should a Christian interact with the arts? What are the applications for a biblical theology of the arts for the home, the church, and for the public witness?

Continue to check back at www.sebts.edu for class times and teachers throughout the summer!  

Registration is not open yet for BWI classes, but will be this summer.

If you have any questions please contact the Women's Life Office at (919) 761-2340 or womenslife@sebts.edu.